


Resist

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-06-28
Updated: 2004-07-10
Packaged: 2018-12-26 23:56:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 35,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12069579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Brian is a student from Ireland who has come to America to go to Pitt.  Justin is the same age but has a hard "fuck 'em and leave 'em" attitude.  They both have secrets in their past.  Plot bunny thanks to Gina.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

Brian Kinney walked out of the admissions office of the University of Pittsburgh. It was the first week of classes and he had already missed three days. He glanced around uncertainly, and then looked at the map of the campus he held in his hand. He studied it trying to figure out where he was and where he wanted to go.

"You need a 'You Are Here'," a pleasant female voice said.

Brian looked up to see a pair of brown eyes laughing back at him. "What the fuck is that?" he asked.

"In the malls, you know," the blonde girl tried to explain, "the big red dot on the diagram of the mall telling you where you are." Brian stared at her uncomprehending. "Here, let me see," she said taking the map from him. "You're right here in front of Admissions. Where do you want to go?"

"Bookstore," Brian responded looking at the map she now held in her hand.

"It's right there," she said pointing to a square on the map. "Are you new here?"

"No, been here my whole fucking life. Can't you tell?" Brian said sarcastically.

"You sound Irish," she said ignoring his rudeness. He was just about the best looking guy she had ever seen. He was tall and slim and those eyes. Jesus!

"That's because I am fucking Irish!"

"Hi, I'm Lindsay Peterson," the blonde girl said holding out her hand.

Brian looked at the hand and hesitated for a moment. She seemed nice enough and was trying to help him. He wasn't sure why he was being so ungracious. "I'm Brian Kinney," he said and shook her hand.

"Nice to meet you, Brian," she said with a chuckle. "I bet you haven't been here very long."

"You'd win that bet."

"How would you like a tour? I'll show you around the campus and we can end up at the bookstore."

"That … that would be nice," Brian admitted allowing himself to relax a bit.

"Come on then," she said linking her arm through his and starting away.

A couple of hours later they sat in a little coffee house on the campus. Lindsay jabbered away telling Brian everything about her life and problems. She lived on campus in one of the dorms but had really wanted to go to university in California. Apparently her parents had a fair bit of money. They didn't want to let their wild child out of their range of vision. They had insisted that she go to school in Pittsburgh. Letting her live on campus had been their concession to her agreeing not to go to California on her own. Finally she seemed to have had enough of her own story and asked Brian how he came to be in Pittsburgh.

"Um …" Brian cleared his throat. He knew he had to tell her something but he also knew he could never admit to the real reason he was there. "I have an aunt and uncle that live here in Pittsburgh, Jake and Janet Kinney." He waited not really thinking that a beautiful sophisticated girl like Lindsay Peterson would move in the same circles as his blue collar aunt and uncle. "Anyway," he continued, "I'm boarding with them while I go to university here. I just transferred here this week. My father … um, he thought I needed to leave Ireland and find out more about the world," Brian lied.

"So you got to come to Pittsburgh since you have relatives here?" Lindsay asked arching an eyebrow.

"That's right," Brian said defensively. Lindsay didn't seem to be buying his story.

"I just thought that if you could come to school in America you would want to go to New York or California, not Pittsburgh."

"If I had relatives there, I certainly would have. My father isn't made of money, so I had to go somewhere we could afford."

"I see," Lindsay replied seeming to buy that explanation. "So what are you going to be studying?"

"I haven't definitely decided on my major, but I want to get into business in some form. How about you?"

"I'm taking the arts. I have some studio courses that I really love, an art history that's okay and the usual – English, history and philosophy."

"I have the same basic courses but business courses instead of art."

"I wonder if we're in any of the same classes. Do you have your schedule?"

Brian opened his folder and gave the list of his classes to Lindsay. He could tell she was interested in him. He thought that might be a good thing. He could use a friend and she was quite beautiful.

"We have three classes together. That's great!" she exclaimed.

"Yeah, great," Brian replied trying to show some enthusiasm.

"You know," Lindsay said, tapping her fingers on the table. "There's a get-acquainted dance this Friday evening in the common room of my dorm. Would you come?" she asked batting her dark eyes at him.

Brian groaned inwardly. He needed to make an effort he told himself. "I … I don't know anybody," Brian said.

"That's why it's called a get-acquainted dance, silly," Lindsay giggled. "Please say you'll come. I'll introduce you to some of my friends, and then you'll know lots of people," she gushed.

"Um…is it expensive?" Brian asked. His money supply was very limited. He had to find a job.

"It's only ten bucks and you get food and beer for that, plus the privilege of dancing with me." She giggled again.

"How can I turn down such a spectacular offer?" Brian said.

"Then it's all settled. You meet me at my dorm at eight on Friday. Wear something sexy. On second thought, don't. You're sexy enough. I don't want to have to beat off the other girls."

"Don't worry about that."

Lindsay gave him her most radiant smile. She seemed to think that meant he was interested in only her. Oh well, that could work to his advantage.

"See you Friday," Lindsay said getting up from the table. She looked back over her shoulder and gave Brian her best vamp look as she went out the door.

Brian shook his head. His father had sent him here to start a new life. This would certainly set him off in a new direction.

\-----

Friday night Brian walked towards the dorm in which Lindsay resided. She had made sure for the rest of the week that he knew where it was and how to get there. She was relentless. Brian felt a little bad about leading her on, but he knew she would look good on his arm. He wanted to appear normal, be normal, and she could make that so much easier. 

His father had told him that he was to straighten himself out while he was in America. He was doing his best. He knew he could never go home unless he did. He knew he would be fucked if they thought for a moment that he wasn't the all Irish boy he appeared to be.

He saw some people going into the dorm giggling and laughing and cracking jokes. He wished he could be one of them. His fucking life was so screwed. He was never going to be part of this group. He knew it as surely as he knew his own name. What the fuck was he doing here? He turned around ready to walk away, to go back and hide in his room at his aunt and uncle's.

"Brian! Brian!" he heard Lindsay's distinctive voice shouting at him. He wanted to keep walking away from all this, but instead he turned and did his best to smile at her. She had just come out of the main door of the dorm obviously looking for him. He approached her trying not to drag his feet too much. "Did you think you had come to the wrong place?" she asked in that light, airy way she talked. She linked her arm through his and half dragged him towards the door.

"I … I wasn't sure," Brian said lamely allowing himself to be pulled along.

"Well, now you're here. Come on in and I'll introduce you to everybody."

Brian took a deep breath as they passed through the door. He could do this. He had to. Lindsay asked if he wanted a beer. He needed one desperately, would have liked something a lot stronger, but the beer would have to do. He took a couple of long swigs from the bottle. That made him feel a little better.

Brian looked around the common room. There were a few people dancing to the rather pathetic music. A lot of others were seated on cushions on the floor or on the furniture which had been pulled back against the walls to leave room for the dancing. People tried to talk over the music. They ate and drank and joked. A few were making out in the shadowy corners. He noticed that they had gotten "acquainted" very quickly. Lindsay was staring at him. He hoped she wasn't getting any ideas about doing the same thing.

"Wanna dance, handsome?" she asked.

"Um … sure."

Brian found his arms full of the blonde who wrapped herself around him. The song was sort of slow so they swayed back and forth. Lindsay pressed her body against him. He knew he could have her if he wanted. The trouble was he didn't want. He tried to gain a bit of space between them, but every time he moved away she moved closer. Finally the song ended. Brian pushed her gently away.

"I need another beer," Brian said.

Over here," Lindsay said as they moved to a table where a tub full of ice and beer bottles sat. The guy behind the table took the tickets Lindsay handed him and gave her two beers. 

"I thought you said the drinks were included," Brian said frowning. He remembered she had said the dance cost ten dollars too.

"You get two beers with the entrance fee," she explained.

"So why didn't I have to pay?" Brian asked frowning at her. He wasn't going to be her goddam charity case.

"I paid for both of us. You can pay me back later," she added quickly.

"I'll pay you right now," Brian said handing her ten bucks. She reluctantly took it knowing that he would be insulted if she didn't. "So where's all these friends that you wanted me to meet?" He threw back most of the bottle of beer, no more wanting to meet her friends than walk in front of a bus, and some days the bus seemed like a good idea.

"I don't really know that many people," she admitted. "I mean, I know people. I know their names, but I don't really know them, you know." Finally she stopped babbling.

"Are you telling me you don't really know anybody here?" Brian asked with a bemused smirk on his face.

"Kind of… It is a get-acquainted dance."

Brian chuckled. Jesus, Americans were so full of bullshit.

"Hey, Linds," a voice called to them.

Brian turned and looked into the most beautiful blue eyes he had ever seen. They were placed ever so nicely in the most gorgeous face he had ever seen. The face sat atop the most perfect body he had ever seen. Brian groaned inwardly as he scanned the vision in front of him. He could feel the jolt that went straight to his groin. He could feel his dick responding already. Shit! This was the last thing he needed.

"Who's your friend," the blue eyes asked Lindsay."

"He's mine, Justin," she replied. "Hands off!"

Brian felt Lindsay's arm come around his waist and pull him closer to her body. He didn't resist, but he couldn't pull his eyes away from Justin's. He knew instinctively that Justin knew the score about him. What the fuck was he going to do now?

Justin snorted. "I don't think this good looking hunk of meat is as much yours as you'd like to think," Justin said with a tinge of irony in his voice. His eyes never left Brian's and Brian knew they wanted each other. He could feel the attraction.

"What do you mean?" Lindsay asked as clueless as ever.

Suddenly Justin looked away and Brian was released from the spell he had been trapped in. He took a deep breath and told himself to breathe, just breathe.

"Are you going to introduce us to this possession of yours?" Justin asked pointedly.

Lindsay blushed and began the introductions. "This is Brian Kinney. Brian, these are two of my friends, Justin Taylor and Daphne Chanders."

Brian noticed the pretty girl for the first time. He had been so mesmerized with Justin that he hadn't even noticed her standing slightly to the side behind Justin.

"Hello, Daphne," Brian said holding out his hand to shake hers. She took it and smiled at him. He hoped Justin would disappear before he blew everything to hell.

"Hey, don't I get a shake?" Justin asked.

Brian extended his hand and said formally, "Nice to meet you, Justin."

When their hands met Brian almost gasped. The power and magnetism that radiated from this blond man was almost more than he could stand. He wondered if everybody else felt it or if it was just him. He tried to take his hand out of Justin's but the man held on teasing and promising. Brian blanched. This couldn't happen. He couldn't let it happen.

"Daphne," he managed to get his voice to work. "Would you like to dance?"

"Sure," she said with a sweet smile.

Brian finally divested his hand of Justin's and he and Daphne moved out into an empty space on the floor. Brian was happy to put some space between himself and the two blonds. Daphne bounced about for awhile and then leaned in close to Brian.

"I think Justin's interested in you," Daphne whispered above the music.

"What makes you say that?" Brian demanded. This couldn't be happening.

"Oh, I don't know – the way he couldn't take his eyes off you, the way he wouldn't release your hand. He's gay, you know."

"No, I didn't know," Brian lied. "Besides, why would he be interested in me?"

"Well, duh?"

Brian grimaced. Did she know? Jesus, what was he going to do? "I'm not gay. I'm here with Lindsay," Brian stated like that made everything okay.

"And I'm here with Justin and he's still gay," she replied.

"Well, I'm not!" Brian declared.

"Sure, sure," she said deciding she better back off. "But Justin thinks you are. He can be relentless, and… he isn't always nice to former tricks," she added thinking Brian needed a warning.

"I don't give a fuck how he treats former tricks. That has nothing to do with me." He needed another beer. He began to make his way over to the refreshment table leaving her standing on the dance floor. He paid for a beer and downed most of it. This night was not fucking going the way he had hoped. Maybe he should just leave. He finished the beer and turned to go. Lindsay had hold of his arm before he could take a step.

"Dance with me," she said leaning against him.

"Um…I was thinking I should get going," Brian said trying to get out of her grasp. 

"Dance some more first. It's still early."

He gave in and she led him back into the crowd of people dancing. She wrapped her arms around his neck and leaned into him. He decided he better put on a good show with her. He didn't want anybody thinking he was gay, especially that fucking Justin Taylor. They danced for several songs and Brian began to relax a bit thinking things had gone back to the way they were before Justin Taylor arrived. He glanced around and noticed Justin dancing with Daphne. He felt the man's eyes cruise over him and then Justin smiled at him. He felt his cock respond. So did Lindsay who was plastered against him.

"Want to get out of here?" she asked suggestively. "My room's a few floors up."

"I need to piss," he said as if that explained what was happening. He couldn't go to her room. He knew what she wanted and he couldn't give it to her. He wasn't anywhere near drunk enough for that.

"There's a restroom off the lobby," she said with a disappointed look on her face. "Over there."

Brian made his way through the people. He needed a few minutes alone and he could stand to piss. He stood in front of the urinal and pulled out his dick. While he waited for the urge he stared at the wall and made a decision. He was leaving. As soon as he pissed he was getting out of this fucking nightmare. The stream started.

"Impressive," a voice said.

He jumped. He turned to see who had spoken. Justin Taylor's smiling and lustful face stared back at him.

"Are you following me?" Brian demanded.

"Anyone can take a piss," Justin said innocently.

"I don't see your dick out," Brian said shaking his own and depositing it back in his jeans.

"Want a good look?" Justin asked licking his lips and sliding the zipper on his jeans slowly down.

"No thanks," Brian said quickly although that was exactly what he wanted.

He went to the sink to wash his hands.

"Very hygienic," Justin said with a smirk.

"Will you fuck off!" Brian shot back.

"I want you," Justin said, "and I will have you."

"Drop dead!" Brian reacted and headed towards the door.

Justin's hand came up and he leaned his weight against the door preventing Brian from opening it. "I know," he said simply.

Brian was about to protest, to demand what Justin thought he knew, to tell him to leave him alone. He knew it was pointless though. They both knew.

"Get out of the way," Brian said shoving Justin's hand off the door. He yanked the door open refusing to acknowledge the effect touching Justin had on him. He stormed out the door and out of the dorm. He began running as soon as he got outside. He ran and ran and ran until he knew he was almost to his aunt and uncle's neighborhood. Gradually then he slowed his pace and tried to get his breathing under control.

He didn't know what was happening to him when he was around this Justin Taylor, but he had to get it under control. He was in America to start over and he wasn't going to let this happen. If that meant that he had to do certain things … he would. And that might mean something that he didn't even want to think about.


	2. Resist

Brian gradually got into the swing of his classes. He managed to get a job for a few hours a week at the bookstore that he had been trying to find that first day when he had met Lindsay. Mostly he stocked the shelves and helped students find the titles they wanted. The people who ran the store didn't trust him on cash … yet. He worked hard, but enjoyed his breaks the most. He could grab a book off the shelves and go sit in the little courtyard outside and read until his break was over. That way he didn't have to talk to anyone else or explain things that they asked about and that he was totally unable to discuss. He didn't get a whole lot of pay for the job but it gave him a bit of spending money. His father was sending a monthly sum to his aunt and uncle for his room and board. He really needed another job but he wasn't sure how he could fit it into his schedule.

He had seen Lindsay almost daily since the dance. She had been pissed at him for walking out without an explanation. However, he had told her they could have coffee the next day and she was only too happy to meet him. He liked her despite her infatuation with him. She was smart and he couldn't understand why she didn't know that he wasn't interested in her as a girlfriend. Maybe she just didn't want to know.

And then there was Justin. He saw him now and then around the campus. They were in the same English class, but thankfully it was a huge class and Brian managed to sit far away from the blond. Sometimes Brian sat with Lindsay but he always worried that Justin would try to join them. One time when Justin did that, Brian said he needed to go to the toilet and left. When he returned he made sure the lecture had started and sat somewhere else just inside the door.

He saw Justin's knowing smile and wink when he took his new seat. He refused to be upset by it, but he knew deep inside that he wanted to give in to the blond. He was just too afraid and screwed up to admit it, and certainly he was never going to act on it.

One afternoon Brian was working in the bookstore after his classes were finished for the day. He was in between the shelves loading a carton of books into their correct spot. As he bent over to pick up some more, he felt a hand caress his ass. He stood up startled.

"There's more where that came from," Justin smirked behind him.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" Brian demanded making his shaky voice sound as angry as he could.

"Seducing you," Justin grinned.

"Fuck off!"

"I'm not going anywhere until you admit you want me."

"You're crazy! Get away," Brian said wishing he really meant it.

Instead Justin slid closer so that his breath washed across Brian's face. "You're quite beautiful," he whispered, "especially when you try to be angry."

"Please," Brian breathed. It sounded pathetic even to his own ears.

"I want to please you, Brian. I think we could be fabulous together. Wouldn't you like that?"

Brian groaned before he could stop it. Justin smiled. He knew Brian wanted him. "Go away, please," Brian begged.

Justin shook his head. "You don't really mean that," he taunted.

"Fuck off!" Brian repeated trying to make it sound forceful and definite.

"You have the cutest way of saying fuck, almost like 'fook'. How come you don't have more of an accent?"

"Leave me alone," Brian groaned.

"Why? We're just having a nice conversation, aren't we? Tell me. How come your accent isn't more pronounced?"

"I … I watched a lot of American movies before I came here. I didn't want to sound too out of place," Brian explained hoping that might get Justin to leave.

"Nice job," Justin complimented him. "I'd hardly know you were Irish. Are you ashamed of it?" 

"None of your fucking business," Brian retorted.

"Hit a nerve, did I?"

"Piss off!"

"Look, I'm going to have you sooner or later. Why don't we just get on with it?"

Brian turned abruptly and stomped out of the aisle. He went to the back of the store and through a door marked "Employees Only". He went into the bathroom and leaned on a sink staring into the eyes in the face that looked back at him. 

He was trying. He was trying so hard. And nothing was working. He wanted Justin Taylor as much as Justin Taylor seemed to want him. He could still feel Justin's warm breath pass over his face. He could feel the heat that radiated off the lean body. He wanted to touch that porcelain skin, run his hands all over that slender body. And those lips. He ached to kiss them, to feel them capture his own. Brian groaned.

He couldn't do this. He had to stay away from this guy. If he could only keep his distance he could maintain the façade he had put in place. If only…!

Brian adjusted his jeans which were tighter than they had been a little while ago. He willed his cock to settle down. He leaned over the sink and splashed water in his face.

As he stood up he felt arms come around his waist and a hand rub over his package. His eyes flew open and he stared into Justin's smirking face in the mirror. He shifted trying to get away from the hand that cupped his hard dick.

"Stay still," Justin whispered in his ear. The warm breath made his cock even harder. "I knew you'd like it," Justin grinned feeling the growing erection in Brian's jeans.

Brian closed his eyes and surrendered to the feelings coursing through his body. How could this be wrong when it felt so good? He leaned back against Justin's body. He was taller and probably stronger than the smaller blond, but at the moment Justin held all the power. And he knew it.

Justin nipped at Brian's earlobe eliciting more groans from the Irishman. He kept his arms firmly around Brian, his hand continuing to rub over the now rock hard dick. It matched his own. He pressed it against Brian's ass letting the man know how much he needed him. Brian groaned again. Justin's hand reached for the zipper on Brian's jeans and began to ease it down. That was his first mistake. He felt Brian stiffen.

"No!" Brian said vehemently. He stood up and shoved Justin hard in the ribs with his elbow. Justin recoiled and stepped away. "I told you to leave me the fuck alone!" Brian yelled and ran out of the bathroom.

Justin watched him go, knowing there was no point in pursuing the man when he was so upset. He wondered what had happened. He had had the beautiful Irishman in his control, wanting him, groaning with need, right up to the moment he had begun to unzip his jeans. "I'm going to get into those pants yet," Justin muttered as he slipped out of the bathroom and back into the store. There was no sign of Brian anywhere. He had really scared him off. He was going to have to try a different tactic. All he had to do was dream one up.

Brian ran across the campus. It had been close to the end of his shift at the bookstore. He hoped nobody would make an issue of him leaving early or so abruptly. He needed that fucking job. Why couldn't that fucking Justin Taylor leave him alone? Why did the blond have to keep coming after him? Why did he have to whisper things in his ear, things that were impossible, and make them sound so desirable and so … possible? They were impossible. They had to be.

Brian leaned against a tree to catch his breath. Shit! He had left his knapsack in the store. He wouldn't be able to do his homework or read tonight unless he went back to get it. He looked back half afraid that he would see Justin Taylor coming after him. There was no sign of the man anywhere. He debated going back to get his books and knapsack. He really needed them, but he didn't want to run into Justin Taylor again.

Finally Brian decided he was ready to risk the outcome. He turned and headed back for the bookstore. He slipped in and grabbed his stuff from the employee locker. He had almost made a successful getaway when an arm reached out and stopped him at the door as he was about to leave.

"Where did you disappear to?" Simon, his co-worker asked.

"I've been around," Brian lied.

Simon shook his head. "I looked for you, and you weren't anywhere to be found."

"So what's your point?" Brian asked. He didn't have to report his whereabouts to this ass.

"There was someone here looking for you," Simon smirked.

"Who?" Brian asked suddenly afraid.

"A blond guy. Left this for you when we couldn't find you," Simon said pointedly. He handed Brian an envelope. It was sealed, thank God. Brian took it reluctantly and stuck it into the pocket of his jeans. It had to be from Justin. "Next time make sure you check out properly before you leave the store."

"Sure," Brian said and then mouthed "asshole" as he walked out of the store.

When Brian arrived at his aunt and uncle's house, he grabbed the plate of dinner his aunt had saved for him and took it up to his room. He set the plate on the desk and pulled the envelope out of his pocket. He turned it over and over trying to decide what to do with it. Finally he set it down on the desk, picked up his plate and tried to eat his dinner. His eyes kept wandering back to the envelope.

A part of him wanted to know what Justin had written to him, needed to know in fact. Another part was afraid to find out what words Justin would use to try to claim him, because he knew that was what Justin wanted. That was what he wanted too, if he was honest. But he had to resist that temptation. He could not allow it to happen. But what had Justin written to him?

Brian picked up the envelope and turned it over and over in his hand. He was about to rip it open when he heard the phone ring downstairs. A moment later his aunt called to him. Someone wanted to talk to him.

His heart leapt in his throat. Maybe it was Justin. No, it couldn't be. He didn't want to talk to Justin. Justin wouldn't dare call him here. He slowly made his way down the stairs. His aunt handed him the receiver and went back into the kitchen.

"Hello?" Brian said hardly breathing.

"Brian, it's Lindsay."

Brian felt enormous relief, followed closely by something like disappointment. "What can I do for you?" he asked.

"One of the other dorms is having a dance this Friday. Will you come with me?"

"Is that all these dorms do? Sponsor dances every week?"

"They want their students to have fun at university," Lindsay explained. Brian could see the pout on her face. "So will you come with me?"

"Like a date?" Brian asked.

"Yeah, like a date."

Maybe this was how he should handle the whole Justin Taylor thing. He could start dating Lindsay and let it be known that he was interested in girls and not boys. Maybe that would keep Mr. Taylor away. It was worth a try.

"Will they have anything stronger than beer at this dance?"

"Not likely. Why?"

Brian groaned. He was going to need to be at least buzzed if not drunk, if he was going to be able to carry this off. "I want something with a little more punch."

"I could bring a flask," Lindsay offered.

That sounded promising. "Sure," Brian said.

"Sure? You mean you'll come … on the date?" Lindsay asked wanting to be sure she had his promise to be there as her date.

"That's what I said."

"That's great, Brian." He could hear the smile in her voice. He closed his eyes, hating the subterfuge. "It'll be my treat," she stated. He was about to protest, but then he decided that she could afford it and he was doing her a favor.

"See you on campus tomorrow," Brian said.

"Yeah, we can work out all the details."

Brian hung up the phone. He felt slightly nauseous as he made his way back to his room. He knew Lindsay expected more than just a dance. He would have to carry through if he wanted to get Justin Taylor off his back, or off his ass to be more precise.

He locked the bedroom door behind him and stripped off his clothes down to his underwear. He threw back the covers on his bed and propped up his pillows. He leaned against them and opened the latest book he was reading for one of his courses. He began reading. After a few minutes he started back at the beginning of the chapter. He couldn't remember anything he had just read. As he neared the bottom of the page he realized he had done the same thing again. He couldn't remember any of the text.

His eyes flitted over to his desk where the envelope from Justin lay on top of his knapsack. He knew he was going to have to read it if he wanted to get anything else done. He wasn't going to be able to concentrate on anything until he knew what Justin had written.

He tossed his book on the bed and retrieved the envelope. He leaned back against the pillows and ripped the envelope open. There were few words.

It said: "Brian, the next time I tell you I want you, you're mine! J."

Brian groaned. He could feel his cock grow hard at the impact of the words. He slid down in the bed his hand slipping inside his boxers. His fingers rapped around his stiffening cock and he slid them up and down the shaft.

He could see blue eyes laughing at him, teasing and full of lust. He pictured the full lips. He could almost feel them caressing his own. His hand moved faster and his dick throbbed. 

Brian imagined Justin's hand on his cock and he moaned. He imagined Justin's mouth on his dick licking and sucking. He gasped. He imagined Justin's lean but soft body curled up against him while the man sucked him off. His hand pumped furiously inside his underwear. His breath came in short spurts. Sweat beaded his forehead. His cock ached for release. And then he exploded inside his shorts. He gasped and moaned as he milked his dick. When he was done he slumped back onto the bed and stared at the ceiling.

What the fuck was this Justin Taylor doing to him?

\-----

Friday night Brian met Lindsay on campus and they walked over to the dorm that was holding the party. Lindsay grasped Brian's hand and draped herself all over him. She pulled out a small silver flask and waved it under Brian's nose.

"Want a drink?" she purred.

Brian opened the flask and took a swig. The scotch hit his gut like a hammer. He had had nothing to drink but beer since he arrived in America. The heat and impact of the liquor felt good. He was getting out of practice. He took another drink and sighed in satisfaction.

"Take it easy, sweetie," Lindsay whispered into his ear. "The night's young and we have places to go and people to see." She smiled suggestively.

Brian heard the implication and took another deep drink before he capped the flask and slipped it into his pocket.

They made their way into the party. Brian danced with Lindsay again and again. In between he took sips from the flask trying to make the liquor stretch out over the course of the evening. He had several beers too and so did Lindsay. 

They were both getting sloshed when all of a sudden Brian's attention was drawn to someone new arriving. His arms were around Lindsay as they swayed together, more holding each other up than dancing. Justin Taylor stared at Brian for a second and then went over to a nice looking young man who leaned against a wall. Justin whispered in the man's ear and they both disappeared in the direction of the restrooms. 

Brian had watched the whole interaction with interest. He wondered why Justin hadn't come after him. Maybe Justin was buying the whole Brian/Lindsay couple thing. That would be good … maybe.

Brian was curious. He told Lindsay he needed to piss and made his way to the washroom. As soon as he stepped through the door he could hear them in one of the stalls. Justin was fucking the young man Brian had seen him whisper to. Justin talked, telling the young man to slow down or lean back or bend forward. Brian was hard as soon as he realized what was going on. He stepped into an adjacent stall and listened. He opened his jeans and his hand slid inside. He stroked himself while the two men worked their way towards orgasm. Brian did too.

When Brian heard Justin gasp and let out a long groan, he knew the man had come. He stroked his cock a few more times and he got off as well. He stifled the moan that threatened to echo throughout the restroom. He wiped himself off and was zipping up when there was a tap at the door of his stall. Brian jumped and glanced around in fright.

"Glad I could help give you some relief," Justin's voice smirked. "I'm coming after you … real soon," Justin promised.

Brian heard the door to the restroom open and close and he was pretty sure they had left. He carefully opened the door to the cubicle and looked out. The place was empty. He went to wash his hands wondering how Justin had known he was there. Maybe it was the same thing as when he had known instantly that Justin had walked into the party. He shook his head.

He made his way back to the party looking around for Justin. He didn't want a confrontation but he wanted to know where the man was. He didn't need any more surprises.

Lindsay had obviously been drinking while he was gone. She staggered against him as he approached.

"What say we get the fuck out of here?" she asked slurring the words.

"Sure," he said, "but let me get a couple more beers."

Lindsay swayed in the doorway while Brian bought two more beers. He threw his arm around the blonde and they made their way back to her dorm.

"Come up with me," Lindsay asked, "please. I don't want to be alone."

Neither did he, so Brian accompanied her up to her room. He cracked open a bottle of beer for each of them. They sat on her bed leaning against the pillows and drinking in silence. Suddenly Lindsay was crying.

"What the fuck's the matter with you?" Brian asked.

"I…I…I, oh fuck, I don't know."

"You make a lousy drunk, you know," Brian sneered being very uncharitable.

"I…I can't help it," Lindsay gulped.

"I'm leaving," Brian said trying to get up off the bed.

"Don't go, please. I can't be alone."

"Lindsay…"

"Don't say anything. Just stay."

The next thing Brian knew Lindsay was lying on top of him, pulling at his clothes and kissing him. She rubbed her groin against his and he could feel himself grow hard. He groaned and tried to push her away.

"Don't," she begged. "I need to know."

"Know what?" Brian asked frowning.

"I want you to fuck me. I want to see if I like it."

"Are you a fucking virgin?" Brian asked closing his eyes. This was way more than he wanted to deal with.

"Yes," a tiny voice said.

"Oh, fuck!"

"Please, don't be mad at me."

"I…I'm not mad, Lindsay. I just don't think this is such a good idea."

"Please," she begged.

How could he refuse her? He had set this whole thing up. He knew what she wanted. He was a fucking virgin too … sort of. Maybe this would make everything right and he could forget what had happened back home and start his new life here. He leaned over and kissed her gently.

Lindsay responded immediately and soon they were kissing long and hard. They both enjoyed it, the contact and the closeness. They were both lonely in their own way. Brian felt Lindsay start to pull his t-shirt off. He tensed up, but then remembered that this was a girl he was with. Society would approve. He kissed her again closing his eyes and trying to blot out the vision of another blond that kept creeping in.

When it was over they lay against each other staring at the ceiling. Neither spoke for awhile. What was there to say? They had done it. It was over.

"I should get home," Brian said suddenly sitting up.

"Um…sure," Lindsay said. She wasn't sure what she was feeling. Maybe some time alone would help her figure things out.

Brian quickly dressed while Lindsay watched him having wrapped a sheet around herself. He gave her a peck on the cheek as he exited the room. He ran down the stairs and out into the cool night air. He decided to run to his aunt and uncle's. That would give him time to think and would tire him out. He needed to sleep. He needed to figure out what had just happened. And most of all he needed to understand where this left him.


	3. Resist

Monday morning Brian awoke with a start. The memory of Friday night came flooding back like it had every morning since it happened. He buried his face in the pillow trying to blot it out. He'd have to face Lindsay when he went to school. He wondered how she would react. They had had sex, but he wasn't sure either one of them really understood what they had done. It had been tentative and furtive and scary. He had felt so strange while it was happening, like he was there, but he wasn't.

He groaned. He should go take a shower and get ready for class. All he really wanted to do was roll over and go back to sleep. That way he didn't have to think about it, didn't have to analyze it, didn't have to worry about it. He pushed himself up off the bed. If he knew only one thing, it was that what he and Lindsay had done last night would never happen again.

Sure enough the first person Brian ran into at university was Lindsay. Maybe because they always had coffee from the same place on their way to the class they took together.

"Hi," Lindsay said rather shyly.

"Hello."

"Brian…"

"I don't think this is the place to talk about it," Brian cut her off.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"What?"

"I think we made a mistake."

"We did?" Brian asked rather puzzled by her attitude.

"Yeah." Brian waited. "I knew it as soon as it was over. Didn't you?"

"I probably knew it before it even happened," Brian said honestly.

Lindsay sighed. "I thought so. I kind of … forced you."

"I thought it would be for the best. It wasn't all your fault."

"Thanks for saying that, but I knew you were gay, and I shouldn't have pushed it."

"You knew?" Brian asked. Lindsay nodded. "Besides Justin told me he's been after you. It's only a matter of time until he gets you."

"Not bloody likely!" Brian denied it, as they walked across campus to their class.

"Justin is … well, Justin's pretty ruthless about sex. He knows you're gay, and if he wants you, he'll have you." Brian shook his head. "He will," Lindsay stated. "But be careful. He doesn't do boyfriends or repeats or friendship with former tricks."

"I will not be one of his tricks!" Brian protested. "I don't want to be his boyfriend and there won't be any repeats because it's never going to happen in the first place."

"Brian," Lindsay said gently, "I'm just trying to warn you. Be careful. I don't want you to get hurt."

"Thanks for the warning, but I don't need it!"

"I'd like to still be your friend," Lindsay said. "Can we forget about what happened between us?"

"Sure," Brian agreed. "It's not like I have so many friends that I can afford to lose one."

He gave her a crooked grin and she kissed his cheek. He liked Lindsay, liked her a lot better as a friend than as a lover. He shivered at the thought.

\-----

Several days went by and Brian saw nothing of Justin. In a way he was glad because that meant he didn't have to worry about what might happen between them, about what Justin had so blatantly told him would happen. However, the longer Brian went without contact with the blond the more he missed seeing him, and the more the words in Justin's letter began to worry him.

Justin had written that the next time he told Brian he wanted him, he would have him. Brian couldn't help but wonder if that was what Justin was waiting for, the right moment to trap him and force him to have sex. A shiver ran down his spine, very different from the shiver he felt when he thought about having sex with Lindsay. This shiver went straight to his groin. He was not at all sure that he could resist Justin Taylor the next time the man came after him.

One evening a few days later Brian worked till nine o'clock at the bookstore. As the store closed for the night, Brian gathered up his knapsack and made his way out onto the campus. He had only gone a short distance when he felt someone's presence. He glanced around but didn't see anyone in the gloom. He was about to start back on his route home when a voice called out, "Tonight's the night."

Brian stopped in his tracks. He knew it was Justin who had called to him. He glanced around and saw the man leaning against a nearby tree. He pretended not to see him and started on his way.

"You can't run from me," Justin said. "It's inevitable."

Brian stopped again. He wasn't sure what to do. He could run, but he knew that would never stop Justin. The man had made his intentions abundantly clear, and Brian didn't think it was likely that he would give up.

"What do you want?" Brian asked knowing full well what the man wanted.

"That's a foolish question. I want you. I've told you that so many times already."

"What can I do to make you leave me alone?" Brian asked hoping Justin didn't hear the defeat in his voice.

"Come here," Justin ordered.

Brian found his feet moving inexorably towards the tree where Justin still stood. As he neared the blond his eyes took in the slender body and the sparkling blue eyes. He could feel the magnetism that drew him to the man. He had no will of his own. When he was within two feet of the man, he stopped. 

Justin held out his hand and Brian found his own hand reaching for it. Justin pulled him against the tree and leaned his weight against Brian. He stared into the hazel eyes. Then his mouth claimed Brian's and they were kissing. Brian found himself kissing back. He had a fleeting thought that he could kiss this man forever and still want more.

Suddenly Justin stopped and leaned back slightly so he could look into Brian's eyes. Brian saw a moment's hesitation in the blue eyes. Could it be fear? Then it was gone and Justin was kissing him again.

When they were both weak from the kisses and hard from the contact, Justin leaned his head against Brian's chest. "Are you ready to come with me?" he asked breathlessly without looking at Brian.

"I … Yes," came out as a strangled cry.

Justin took his hand and they made their way back to Justin's room. Brian's stomach was in turmoil. He knew he shouldn't be doing this, knew it was wrong, but he couldn't help himself. He remembered what had happened in Ireland and he felt like he wanted to throw up. But over everything else Brian felt his desire for Justin. He wanted him so bad. He wanted Justin to touch him and caress him and make love to him. Then he would finally know what it was supposed to be.

Justin slammed the door behind them and pinned Brian against it. He kissed the Irishman with everything he had. He knew Brian wanted him and he was going to make him beg for it.

Brian groaned into the kiss. His dick was so hard that he thought it would rip through the fabric of his jeans. His hands gripped Justin's back, his neck, his head, his beautiful ass. He pressed back into the man wanting to savor every inch of his beautiful body.

Justin started pulling at Brian's clothes. When his hand reached the zipper of Brian's jeans and began to slide it down, Justin felt Brian freeze and grab his hand. Justin stopped. This was the same thing that had happened in the washroom at the bookstore. He didn't want Brian to bolt this time.

"What?" he demanded. "Have you got some problem with zippers?"

"I…" Brian began but then was unable to explain further.

"What, for Christ's sake? You can't pretend you don't want this. I can feel that you do." Justin's hand squeezed Brian's shaft and Brian thought he would explode.

"I'm afraid," Brian whispered barely audible.

"Afraid of what? I'm not going to hurt you. I'm going to make you feel so good," Justin promised.

"Something happened," Brian breathed.

"In Ireland?" Justin asked. "What?"

"I…I can't talk about it," Brian cried turning away as much as Justin would let him.

The anguish in Brian's voice got to Justin. He wondered what could have happened to make Brian like this. His heart melted a little as he turned Brian's head to face him and saw the real fear in his eyes.

"I'll be gentle," Justin whispered in Brian's ear, and he meant it. He didn't want to scare or hurt this beautiful man. He wanted to make him happy, make both of them so happy.

A tear rolled down Brian's cheek and then he clasped Justin in a bear hug. Justin thought he might be crushed, but he could feel Brian drawing strength from him and he hugged back. After a minute or two Justin felt Brian relax a bit. His hand reached between them and slid the zipper on Brian's jeans down. This time Brian didn't stop him. Justin shoved the jeans down and knelt in front of Brian. 

As he peeled Brian's underwear down, the rock hard cock sprang free and Justin took in a sharp breath. He didn't think he had ever seen a more magnificent cock and he had seen a lot of them. He clasped the shaft in his hand and rubbed his palm up and down it a couple of times. He watched Brian's eyes close and his head loll back against the door. Justin held the cock firmly as he licked up and down and all around the purple rod. Brian moaned above him. Justin captured the head with his lips and his tongue tasted the first bead of precum. It was sweet and salty and wonderful. It was Justin's turn to moan.

He sucked on the head hard and felt Brian buck involuntarily. He wanted Justin to take more of him into his mouth. Justin sucked down the cock until he felt the tip hit the back of his throat. He locked his lips around the shaft and worked them up and down. Brian whimpered and clutched at Justin's hair. Justin swallowed around the dick and Brian exploded. Jizz shot down Justin's throat and he swallowed as each wave erupted. When Brian stopped shooting Justin stood up and cradled the man against his body. Brian gasped and sighed.

"See how good that was," Justin told him.

"Yeah," Brian whispered and hung on tight.

"There's more pleasure to come," Justin promised.

Brian looked into Justin's eyes and the fear returned. "I … can't. I have to go."

"You're not going anywhere," Justin declared. "We're not finished yet."

"But…" Brian didn't know how to finish that statement. "It will turn out bad," he shuddered.

"What the fuck does that mean?" Justin asked.

"I…I…"

"Brian, I promise nothing bad is going to happen. I'll take care of you."

"You will?" Brian asked staring into the blue eyes. 

Justin could see the tears so close to the surface. He wondered what had happened to the Irishman to cause such fear of what should be a pleasurable act. "Do you want to tell me what's wrong?" Justin asked. Brian shook his head knowing that he could never explain what had happened. "Then just relax and let me show you how great this can be. You won't regret it," Justin promised. He wasn't sure why he was making such promises to this man. Usually by now he would have had him and be kicking him out the door. He didn't know why he felt so protective, maybe because he would like someone to feel that concerned about him. "Come on," he said.

He gently pushed Brian towards the bed. The man stumbled, his jeans and underwear still around his ankles. Justin grabbed hold of Brian and eased him gently down onto the bed. He slid off the pants and shoes and began removing his own clothes. He felt Brian's eyes on him. The man watched as Justin's naked body appeared from beneath the clothing. Brian groaned, his cock already stiffening against his thigh. Justin smiled at him. They wanted each other. He had known that all along. He would make this good for Brian, and for himself. 

Justin spread his naked body atop Brian's. He rubbed their groins together, cocks trapped deliciously between them. Brian arched up against him so overcome with desire that his fears were temporarily pushed aside.

"Oh Christ, Justin," Brian gasped. "I don't know what to do."

Justin wasn't sure what that meant. Whether Brian was telling him he wanted to get away or he wanted to do this or he was literally not sure what to do. Could the Irishman be a virgin?

"Is this your first time?" Justin asked running his hand along Brian's cheek and into his hair. He stared into Brian's eyes and the man blinked and averted his gaze. The Irishman turned crimson and Justin knew he had guessed right. "I'll take care of you; guide you all the way through it. That is … if you want me to." Justin didn't know why he was asking this. He could have the man one way or another, but something about the vulnerability and trepidation of the young man touched him. He remembered his first time. It had been all right, but it could have been so much better. He would make this wonderful for the beautiful Irishman, his good deed to contribute to international relations. Justin laughed. He felt Brian freeze beneath him. "Easy, big guy," Justin cooed. "I'm not laughing at you. I want you to enjoy every second of this." He gently kissed Brian's lips and felt the man begin to respond. "Do you believe me?" Brian nodded. "Then let's get started," Justin whispered and kissed Brian harder and deeper. His tongue probed at Brian's lips and the man let him in. Their tongues dueled and tasted finding all the sweet spots in each other's mouths. Justin humped against Brian as the kiss went on and on. He felt Brian arch again and was afraid the man would come if they didn't slow down.

Justin broke the kiss. "Roll over," he whispered as he kissed and nipped at Brian's neck and chest.

Brian shifted and turned onto his stomach. Justin grabbed a pillow from the top of the bed and stuffed it under Brian's hips. Brian groaned at the relief the soft pillow allowed his throbbing dick. He felt Justin's lips on the back of his neck, on his shoulders, on his ass. He felt Justin spread his cheeks and then a tongue licked across his pucker. He rose up and called out. It was all he could do not to come.

"Easy, easy," Justin told him running his hands over Brian's back and sides. He could feel the man relax and bury his face in the pillow under his head. "Do you need to come again?" Justin could see Brian nod his head. He smiled to himself. Twice in less than twenty minutes and at least once more, he thought to himself as he grinned in satisfaction. He leaned down and his tongue began to probe Brian's pucker. The Irishman writhed and moaned and grabbed at the sheets. Justin knew it wouldn't take much more. A few hard thrusts that broke through the muscles into Brian's channel and the man was shooting his load and crying out Justin's name.

When he was done Brian rolled onto his back and stared into the blue eyes that looked back at him. He could see amusement and concern and lust. He reached up and pulled Justin's head down so that he could kiss those luscious lips.

"I have to fuck you now!" Justin stated emphatically. His dick was like a hot piece of tempered steel that burned his thigh. Brian had gotten off twice already and Justin was panting for release. He reached for the lube. "Put your legs on my shoulders," Justin ordered. Brian did as he was told. Justin squirted some lube onto Brian's pucker and inserted a finger. Brian's eyes flew up and he moaned. Justin inserted another finger and Brian cried out. A third finger and Brian panted Justin's name over and over again. He bucked his hips fucking himself on Justin's fingers. Justin smiled down at him. "I knew there was a tiger in there, just below the surface. This is going to hurt a bit at first, but it will be worth it." Brian nodded.

Justin thrust through the first ring of muscle. Brian cried out and gritted his teeth. His eyes slowly opened as Justin waited for him to accept the intrusion. When Brian nodded Justin drove his cock the rest of the way in. Brian grimaced and held onto Justin's forearms planted on each side of him. Justin leaned in kissing the now willing mouth and bending Brian in half.

"Ready?" Justin asked. Brian nodded and the ride began. Justin thrust masterfully and deeply. Brian took it all and pushed back. Justin smiled at him nodding his approval. The tight heat of Brian's channel was almost more than Justin could bear. His thrusts came faster and shallower as he felt his orgasm building. He pounded into the newly breached hole. Brian grunted and bucked beneath him. They both felt the heat and the tingling and the need.

"Now!" Justin called as he shot his load into the condom. Brian was close behind him, his anal muscles contracting as he shot all over them, and threatened to cut Justin's dick in half. Justin slumped down onto the Irishman as he climaxed and they held onto each other until the sudden tilt of the world righted itself.

"Jaysus!" Brian said in his best brogue. He had never felt anything like that in his life. "I … you … we … that was fooking magnificent."

Justin chuckled. "It was spectacular!" he responded, and it had been. Rarely had he found someone who could inspire him to these heights, and he had tried many, many men before finding this one.

Justin grabbed some tissue from the nightstand and tossed them on Brian's chest. The man lay still as if incapable of independent movement. Justin slid off the condom and disposed of it in the wastebasket. He wiped his chest where Brian's jizz had shot onto him. Brian remained still, lying beside him on the bed. Justin picked up the tissues he had tossed on the man and gently wiped his chest.

Brian opened his eyes and looked up at Justin with wonder. "I … I never knew it could be like that."

"It should always be like that," Justin smiled.

"Thank you."

Justin appeared surprised. "You … you shouldn't be thanking me," he said rather embarrassed by the protestation.

"Kiss me," Brian asked. He wanted to feel Justin's lips and the closeness they had shared. 

Without thinking Justin leaned in and they shared a soft kiss that gradually became harder and deeper. Their dicks responded accordingly.

"I guess we're not finished yet, big guy," Justin said with a frown. Usually he fucked them and threw them out, but he wanted this Irishman again … and maybe again after that.

They fucked twice more until they were both exhausted. After the last time Justin felt Brian slide against him and wrap his arms around him. He shifted uncomfortably not used to sharing intimacy with his tricks. He never allowed this to happen, but there was something about this Irishman that touched his soul. He hugged back and had to admit that it felt pretty good.

In a minute or two Justin realized by the soft wheeze and the steady breathing that Brian was asleep. Shit! Now what was he going to do? How could he get rid of the guy before morning? This broke all of his rules for tricking.

He looked down at the sleeping face and he felt his breath catch in his throat. Brian was so beautiful and he had trusted him and they had had spectacular sex. He felt himself grow hard at the mere thought of what they had done. He had to stop this. He had to get rid of the guy. He had to take control. This could not happen. He wouldn't allow it to happen … again.

He shook Brian gently. Brian turned in his sleep and snuggled closer to Justin. Justin shook him a little harder. Brian's eyelids fluttered and he mumbled, "I love you," holding on a little tighter before he drifted off again.

Justin felt the tears well up. He blinked them back and rocked Brian gently against his body. He stared out the window hoping for divine inspiration about what to do. Instead he found himself humming softly and sliding down beside Brian still cradled against him. He ran his finger along Brian's cheek and across the rosy lips. God, those lips were delicious. He could kiss them forever. His hand trailed down Brian's side feeling the soft skin and smooth muscles just below the surface.

He wanted to draw this man, capture him on paper, in oils, in his memory. It was a long time since he had felt this way about anybody, and he knew that he shouldn't trust those feelings. They always led to nothing but heartache. That's why he had invented his rules. That's why he never did repeats. That's why he fucked them, but never loved them.

Then what the fuck was he feeling right now? He sighed and gently began the drift towards sleep. His arms were still around Brian, but they were connected on some level that went beyond touch. He would have to be ruthless in the morning. He would kick the Irishman out before Brian could do the same to him. Because that's what always happened. Love was a crock of shit. But right now it felt awfully nice. He curled into the warm body and fell soundly asleep.


	4. Resist

Justin awoke with a start. Something heavy was draped all over him. Shit! Brian Kinney. He groaned. He had let the Irishman stay all night, broken the cardinal rule of tricking.

He looked down at the sleeping face beside him. The man was beautiful and the sex had been great. Maybe letting Brian stay wasn't such a bad thing. His hand reached out involuntarily and he found himself caressing the cheek of this man. He wanted to hug Brian close and never let him go. Fuck! He was turning into a lezzy, or worse yet a fucking breeder. Had he learned nothing from past mistakes?

He shoved Brian rudely away and the man groaned as he began to come out of a deep sleep. Those fabulous eyes fluttered once or twice and then looked up at him.

"Morning," Brian said sleepily.

"Time for you to go," Justin said abruptly throwing back the sheet and getting out of bed.

"Hunh?"

"You heard me. Get up. Get out."

"Why? What's wrong? I thought maybe we could … you know." Brian smiled his goofy grin.

Justin felt his cock start to stiffen. Christ! This guy had an immediate effect on him. A smile, a look, a stupid proposition and he was jello. He better get this Irishman out of here right now before it was too late, if it wasn't too late already. "I said for you to get out! Right now!" Justin spit out between gritted teeth. "Or are you too much of a big, fucking, dumb Irishman to understand what that means?"

"But…" Brian began, bewildered by the change in Justin. Where was the kind, sweet, compassionate man from last night?

"I said to get up and get the fuck out!" Justin punctuated each word.

Brian stared at Justin, grabbed his jeans from the floor and started pulling them on, wincing a bit at the pain in his ass. He didn't believe this was happening. Last night had been the best night of his life. He thought it had been for Justin too. He had certainly acted like that. He pulled his t-shirt over his head and looked at Justin who stared out the window of his room. He had wanted this man more than anything last night, more than all his fears, more than all his bad memories, more than he could resist. Could he have been so wrong? He had to try once more.

"Justin," he said softly. He saw Justin's shoulders stiffen as he refused to turn away from the window to look at him. "Can I see you again?"

"You're looking at me right now, aren't you?" Justin demanded with as much sarcasm as he could muster.

"I mean again … like tonight and the night after and…"

"No," Justin cut him off.

"Next weekend?" Brian said hopefully. He knew he was begging but he couldn't stop himself.

"No."

"I…"

"Go … now."

Brian had a sinking feeling that this was hopeless. Something had changed, changed drastically, since last night. He took a deep breath and turned the doorknob. He allowed himself one more glance at Justin's rigid back framed in the window. 

"Justin," he whispered and heard the plea in his voice.

"Leave," Justin spat out incapable of more than a one syllable word.

Brian felt the implied slap ricochet through his body. He turned and slipped out quietly shutting the door behind him. In the hallway he leaned back against the door, now on the outside, away from the man who had broken through his resistance, who had made him feel such passion and joy, who had claimed him. Tears began their slide down his cheeks. He swiped at them with the back of his hand and finally made his way to the stairs.

Justin heard the click of the door as it closed behind Brian. He let his shoulders drop and all the strength went out of him. He swayed a little bit and clutched at the window sill for support. That was just about the hardest thing he had ever done. He wanted Brian Kinney like nothing he had ever wanted before, and the funny thing was that he had already had him. That should have been enough. But it wasn't. He knew, though, that this was for the best. Better the hurt now than the lingering hurt and betrayal that would develop later. He couldn't stand that again. A tear worked its way down his cheek and he wiped it away with the back of his hand.

\-----

"Hi, Lindsay. Glad you could meet me," Daphne said as Lindsay slid into the chair next to hers in Starbucks.

"I was thinking about calling you, when out of the blue, you called me."

Daphne's eyebrows went up in surprise. "Why were you going to call me?" She and Lindsay were friends, sort of. She was Justin's friend and Lindsay was Justin's friend, so they knew each other, but not really well. They had never had coffee before, like this, without Justin.

"I'm worried about Justin … and about Brian," Lindsay said.

"Do you think they did it?" Daphne whispered leaning in closer to Lindsay.

Lindsay nodded. "I'm almost positive they did, but neither will talk about it and they're both miserable."

Daphne frowned. "I wonder what happened."

"I don't know but I intend to find out. They belong together. I can just feel it."

"I think you're right, but maybe it didn't go so well when they fucked," Daphne said looking a little embarrassed.

"Or it went too well."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm wondering if they were so great together that it scared the shit out of both of them," Lindsay explained.

"Ooh, I never thought of that," Daphne said with a grin. "But if that was true, I bet it was Justin who cut it off, who pushed Brian away. You know how hard-hearted he can be. I tried to warn Brian that first night."

"They're both so pig-headed."

"I know. There are times I'd like to ring golden boy's neck."

"And Irish there has a stubborn streak a mile wide. He won't talk to me."

"Then how are we going to fix this if we can't get them to talk?" Daphne asked.

"I've always found liquor helps to loosen lips."

"You mean get them drunk?"

"Yeah, and then pry the information out of them."

"Together or separately?"

"I doubt if we could get both of them in the same room the way they've been behaving. So, you'll have to work on Justin and I'll tackle Brian."

"Do you think we can do this?"

"We have to," Lindsay declared. "I'm sick of their sad faces and lack of communication. It takes all the fun out of university seeing them mope around. Hell, I feel like they're sucking all the fun out of the fucking universe. They're driving me nuts."

"So how are we going to do this?" Daphne asked.

"I'm taking Brian out to dinner. He won't want to go but I'm telling him that this is the anniversary of when I broke up with my last boyfriend and I don't want to be alone. I'll say I've already made reservations at a nice restaurant and I can't go alone. Besides, he's always up for a free meal."

"I could tell Justin something similar. I bet he'd feel sorry for me and come with me," Daphne said with a smile. The plan was already forming in her head. "So, we ply them with liquor at dinner and then take them back to our rooms and feed them some more to drink. When they're sloshed we force the information out of them."

"Exactly."

"I can do that." 

"Good, and then we get together once we know what's going on and figure out what to do about it."

"Deal," Daphne said extending her hand for Lindsay to shake. They smiled at each other having found something concrete to do about the plight of their friends.

\-----

"Here, have another one," Daphne said filling Justin's glass with scotch.

"Thanks," Justin said taking a sip. He knew he was drunk but he didn't care. If he got fucking shitface drunk, he could blot out the image of those eyes, those fucking golden eyes. He took another drink.

"So what have you been up to these days?"

"Same old, same old," Justin responded slurring his words a little.

"We're making progress," Daphne thought as she pretended to sip on her own drink while she refilled Justin's glass. "A different guy every night?"

"Yeah."

"You don't seem very happy about it."

"I'm just great, fabulous even," Justin replied downing his glass of liquor.

"So why do I see so little of you. We never seem to talk anymore."

"Talking now, aren't we? Too busy fucking," Justin mumbled. 

Daphne decided she better slow down feeding him drinks or he might pass out on her and then she wouldn't be able to get the information she needed.

"Seen anything of Lindsay and Brian lately?" she asked innocently and watched him cringe. Something had definitely happened. "Justin?"

"Hmm."

"I asked you a question … Brian?"

"Had him. Over."

"Over? Didn't you like him?"

"No."

"I find that hard to believe. He's gorgeous."

"Gorgeous. Just like all the rest."

"How do you know that?"

"Experience."

"But maybe he could be different, could be the one."

"No." Justin reached for the bottle of scotch. With shaking hands he poured himself another drink and downed it. "Tired," he said rubbing his face.

"Lie down and talk to me. Tell me all about Brian."

Justin slid down on the bed and Daphne angled his head onto her lap.

"Nothing to tell about Brian. Gone."

"Why?"

"Made him go. Couldn't take the chance."

"Chance of what?" Daphne felt Justin's shoulders start to shake. Was he crying? Jesus, she hadn't bargained on this. "Justin. Tell me what's wrong?"

"He'd be just like Chad and Tad. I can't love him, won't love him. Can't be hurt like that again."

"How do you know Brian would hurt you?"

"They all do."

"But, this could be different."

"No."

"Do you want it to be different?"

A whispered "yes" escaped Justin's lips just before he fell asleep in her lap.

\-----

Lindsay got the new bottle of vodka out of the cupboard. She had no idea how much liquor Brian could hold. It must be that Irish heritage. They had had two bottles of wine at dinner. Brian drank most of it. He had polished off half a bottle of scotch since they got back to her room, and now the vodka. Brian seemed a little shakier than early on, slurred his words a bit, so the liquor must be having some effect. But mostly he just seemed unhappy.

She poured him a glass of the vodka and handed it to him. He made a face.

"I'm not much of a one for vodka (he pronounced it wodka with his silly grin)," he stated and then downed most of it. "But … any port in a storm as they say," he added as an afterthought.

"Is there a storm?" she asked seemingly innocently.

"You could say that."

"Could I?"

"Fishing expedition, Miss Lindsay?" he asked giving her a knowing look.

"You could say that," she replied using his own words back at him.

"No fish around here."

"I think there are."

"What are you getting at?" he asked knowing that she was trying to pry information out of him, and knowing that he really wanted someone's shoulder to cry on. Well, maybe to lean on. Well, maybe to have a sympathetic ear. Shit, shoulders didn't have ears. He giggled slightly at his unspoken joke and then fell silent. He was pathetic. He took another shot of the vodka.

"You have been miserable all this week. I want to know what's wrong."

"And what good will it do for me to tell you?"

"I could help."

"Doubt it."

"You'll never know unless you tell me."

Brian sighed and squeezed the bridge of his nose. He knew this was opening a whole can of worms and he also knew that he was going to tell her. Right after this next drink. He downed it slowly.

"Justin's miserable too," she said softly hoping that would push Brian to spill his guts.

"He is?" Brian asked looking up at her with puppy dog eyes. Then they clouded over and he stared defiantly. "What's he got to be miserable about?"

"I was hoping you could tell me that," Lindsay said.

"We fooked."

"You fucked and then what?"

"Then nothing. He told me to get out."

"He did? Why?"

"That's what I don't understand. I thought he liked me. We…" Brian couldn't finish that statement. There was no 'we'.

"I think he does like you."

Brian shook his head. "He was … cruel. He wanted me gone." Brian downed another drink. 

"Do you like him?"

"I did. I wanted to, but he doesn't want me."

Brian sounded like someone who had had his heart stomped into the ground. He took another drink. Lindsay had learned most of what she wanted to know. It was time to cut off the liquor. They had been sitting on the edge of her bed in her dorm room. Lindsay scooted up and leaned against the pillows. 

"Come here," she said softly patting her lap.

"You're not going to have your way with me again, are you?" Brian asked.

"No, sweetie. Don't worry."

Brian leaned back onto the bed pulling his long legs up and laying his head in her lap. She ran her fingers through his hair and he let out a long sigh.

"Hurts," he whispered, and she knew he wasn't talking about her fingers in his hair. He was talking about Justin.

"I know."

She continued to comb her fingers through his hair hoping to soothe him. Soon his even breathing indicated that he was asleep.

\-----

Lindsay and Daphne met for coffee the next morning. They had arranged this time to discuss what each had found out. They had left their hung-over charges to sleep it off in their beds.

"I don't know what the fuck they did to each other, but Brian is hurt … really bad," Lindsay said as she sipped her latte.

"Justin isn't much better off, although he's the one who pushed Brian away," Daphne said taking a drink of her coffee.

"They're both so miserable."

"Justin's afraid Brian will turn out to be another Chad or Tad."

"He has picked some real losers, hasn't he?" Lindsay said knowing Justin's history of getting hurt.

"Yeah, those two bastards couldn't just tell him it was over. Both of them dumped him and then rubbed his face in it. No wonder he's afraid to trust Brian."

"I don't think Brian would ever do anything like that to Justin."

"I don't either, but unfortunately what we think doesn't matter. It's Justin's opinion that counts."

"So how do we change that opinion?"

"Do you think Brian really wants Justin?" Daphne asked. 

"Oh yeah. I think he was totally bewildered as to why Justin kicked him out."

"I think Justin has real feelings for Brian too, but he's afraid to let them take over."

"Is there any point of tricking them into a meeting?" Lindsay asked trying to come up with an idea to get her friends together.

"I doubt it. The state Justin's in he would just tell Brian to fuck off."

"And Brian doesn't need to be hurt again. There's something kind of fragile about him. Maybe something bad happened to him back in Ireland, like what happened to Justin."

"Whatever it is, they won't talk to each other. They're too scared and too bull headed."

"So what can we do?" Lindsay asked.

"Well," Daphne began. She had given this a lot of thought. "When Justin and I were at St. James there was this boy that I really liked. He wouldn't give me the time of day. So, I joined every club he belonged to, got him as a partner for every project that I could wangle, and was in his face all the time. Finally he asked me out."

"And what happened?" Lindsay wanted to know.

"We dated like three times until I realized he was a big jerk and dumped him."

"And the point of this story would be…?"

"That Brian should get in Justin's face, make sure that he's always around when Justin's there. If he wants Brian as badly as I think he does, he won't be able to fight it."

"Why does Brian have to do that? What about Justin?"

"Justin will never admit that he wants Brian. He's trying to forget him. We just can't let him do that."

"But Brian doesn't want to get hurt again," Lindsay said shaking her head. "How are we going to get him to be everywhere Justin is?"

"We could trick him."

Lindsay chuckled. "I may call Brian a big, dumb Irishman, but he's not really stupid."

"I didn't say he was, but think about it. What if we could get them to be in the same place at the same time? I was wondering about taking Justin to the bookstore with me, but I need to know Brian's schedule, so I can be sure he's there."

"I can get that for you."

"And what if you invite Brian for a drink or something and I'll arrive with Justin."

"That would work." Lindsay looked thoughtful. "Oh, oh, oh, I just had the perfect idea," she said.

"What?"

"Brian's been looking for another job. The life drawing class that Justin and I are in needs models. A naked Brian would be hard to resist."

"Shit! Is it too late for me to sign up for that class?" Daphne giggled.

"I think so, but can you imagine Justin's reaction having to stand there and draw naked Brian for an hour?"

"He'll be jerking off for hours afterwards," Daphne giggled. "Do you think Brian would do it though? Being naked in front of people isn't everybody's cup of tea."

"I think I can talk him into it, even if I have to sweeten his paycheck with a little money of my own."

"You are a devious one, Miss Thing."

"You got that right."

"I do want them both to be happy," Daphne said seriously. "Do you think we're doing the right thing?"

"Better than letting them wallow in their own misery."

"Okay, I'm in."

"Then let the games begin!" Lindsay said as they got up to set their plans in motion.


	5. Resist

Brian was stacking the shelves at the bookstore when he saw Lindsay come in. He ducked down hoping she hadn't seen him. He didn't want to talk to her after he had got so drunk and had fallen asleep on her bed two days ago. He knew he had spilled his guts to her, but he couldn't remember exactly how much he had told her. She must think he was totally pathetic, and he didn't want to face her.

"Nice view from back here," Brian heard Lindsay's voice say from behind him. She had found him.

"What?"

"Nice view. I could look at your ass all day long," Lindsay declared.

"What the fuck are you playing at?" Brian asked standing up.

"You have a really nice body."

Brian snorted. "What are you on about?" he asked frowning.

"Are you still looking for another job?" she asked seeming to change the subject.

"Yeah, but I don't have enough hours in the day to fit one in."

"I know of one that might work."

"Oh yeah, what?"

"My life class needs a model."

"As in naked model?"

"Right."

"I don't think so."

"Bashful?"

"Not at all," Brian bragged, "but I don't want to give away all my secrets."

"It pays two hundred for an hour."

"Fuck me! Are you serious?"

It really paid a hundred but she had doubled it with her own money making it, she hoped, too sweet for him to turn down. "Them's the facts," she stated.

"I … I just have to, what, you know, sit there … naked?"

"Yep. Or stand or lay, whatever the Prof wants."

"And they all get to look at my dick including you?"

"I've seen your dick." He had the good grace to blush at that comment. "Besides, they will be drawing all of you, not just your dick."

"Do you think anybody would really want to draw me?"

"Brian, you're beautiful! You should see some of the old coots we've had as models. The whole class will be drooling all over you." Brian blanched. She could tell that idea frightened him. "But, of course, no one's allowed to touch you or come near you or even speak to you. It's all very professional."

"How do I get this job?" Brian asked.

"Say you want it. I've already cleared it with the professor."

"Then, sure. I can really use two hundred dollars."

"Day after tomorrow. I'll take you there. We can meet for coffee beforehand."

"Great," Brian said hardly knowing what to say about this stroke of good fortune.

"Oh look," Lindsay said, "there's Daph and Justin. Hi, guys," she called before Brian could stop her.

Daphne dragged Justin over to them. "Hey, Brian," she said and gave Justin an elbow in the ribs when he remained silent.

"Brian," Justin said with a curt nod.

"Justin."

"You guys aren't very civil," Lindsay griped trying to encourage them to talk. "Isn't your shift almost over, Brian?" she asked. "We could all grab some dinner at the café."

"Um, no thanks," Brian protested although his eyes lasered into Justin daring him to say otherwise. "My aunt is expecting me."

"You could call her," Daphne suggested. "You're available, aren't you, Justin?"

"Um … I … I guess so," Justin admitted looking everywhere but into those eyes of Brian's.

"Look," Brian said, "I don't think Justin wants to eat with me, and … and that's just fine by me." He stomped off to the back room hoping that this time Justin wouldn't follow him, and that they'd all be gone when he came back out.

\-----

The next day Brian met Lindsay at the usual coffee spot. She told him that everything was arranged for him to be the model in her life class the following day. He seemed pleased. She asked him to sit in the coffee shop and talk to her before they went off to class. Reluctantly he agreed.

"What do you want to talk about?" he asked although he suspected that he already knew.

"Justin."

Brian closed his eyes trying to block out the image that name conjured. He had been jerking off to the same image for a week now. He couldn't understand why he could not get the fucking insensitive bastard out of his mind.

"I don't want to talk about him," Brian said.

"Well, I do."

Brian sighed. "So what the fuck do you want to say?"

"He's as miserable as you are."

"What?"

"You heard me."

"I … I don't understand. What's he got to be miserable about? He kicked me out."

"He's afraid," Lindsay said hoping she wasn't revealing too much. Justin would kill her if he knew she was telling Brian.

"He sure didn't seem afraid when he told me to fuck off."

"He is."

"Afraid of what?"

"Relationships."

"We don't have a relationship. We fucked and he made it clear he wanted me gone. What does that have to do with relationships?"

"Justin's had a couple of bad experiences. He vowed never to let himself be hurt like that again."

"He was hurt?" Lindsay watched Brian's eyes as he asked that question in a soft voice. It was almost as if Brian felt the hurt too. "Why would anyone want to do that?"

"Things happen."

"Like what?" Brian asked wanting to know what had made Justin so cruel.

"That's for Justin to explain."

Brian shrugged. When he looked up Lindsay was waving at Daphne and Justin who had just picked up coffee from the counter. They came over, Daphne practically dragging Justin behind her. Daphne pulled up a chair and plopped down. Justin stood behind her. She elbowed him in the hip and he grabbed a chair and sat down too. He studiously avoided looking at Brian.

"It's nice of you to join us," Lindsay said pointedly looking at Justin.

He scowled. "Didn't have any choice."

"Gracious as always," Lindsay replied.

"How are your classes going, Brian?" Daphne asked.

"Peachy."

Daphne giggled and Brian thought he saw a flicker of a smile from Justin. Maybe this guy wasn't so mean. 

"Have you got a favorite?" Daphne asked.

"I like the philosophy course. The TA is a hunk and has a great package from what I've been able to see." Brian was being deliberately provocative and he watched Justin's reaction.

"I have to go," Justin said standing up. He appeared decidedly uncomfortable.

"So soon?" Brian cooed. He was enjoying making Justin sweat.

Justin gave him a glare and marched away.

"I just thought of something," Brian said to Lindsay. "You said that Justin was in some of your art courses. Is he in this life class?" Lindsay nodded with a little grin. "Well, fuck me!"

"We hope you'll fuck Justin," Daphne responded.

Brian looked from one to the other and they all burst out laughing. "This is all part of some plot you two have cooked up, isn't it?" Brian asked shaking his head but still smiling.

"We think you two should be together," Daphne stated.

"And why's that? Justin can't even stand to look at me."

"That's because he's ashamed of how he treated you. He's scared of what he feels."

Brian stared at her as if assessing the truth of her words. He shook his head and decided to be honest. "I … I really liked him. He was so kind and gentle with me when … when we were together."

"That's probably what scared the shit out of him. He is usually cold and matter-of-fact, even about fucking. It's his carefully developed persona."

Brian seemed to be absorbing this information. Justin hadn't been cold like that at all, until the next morning. Could Justin really have feelings for him? Brian knew he wanted to find out, because he still had feelings for the jerk no matter how hard he tried not to.

"Does Justin know I'm the model in your class?" Brian asked Lindsay. She shook her head. "Then I'll have to make it quite a show for him and see how he reacts."

All three smiled and nodded.

\-----

Justin set up his supplies at the easel. He saw Lindsay arrive and take the easel next to him. He hoped she didn't start in about Brian. He was trying to forget all about the beautiful Irishman, but he seemed to be constantly thrown together with him. He had had several tricks since Brian, but none of them had really satisfied him. None had been able to erase the image of another face, another dick, another pair of extraordinary eyes.

"Justin," Lindsay was saying.

"Hmm."

"Where were you? I've been jabbering away at you and you never responded."

"Thinking."

"About what?

"Um … about what kind of ugly woman will be the model for today's class."

Lindsay almost swallowed herself when she heard that. Instead she grinned at Justin trying not to give everything away.

"Class, we are about ready to begin," Professor Mendez began. "Please make sure you have all your materials organized. The model will be out momentarily."

"I can hardly wait," Justin griped. Lindsay stifled a giggle. If he only knew! She could hardly wait to see his reaction when Brian walked out.

"Class, this is Brian Kinney, our model for today."

Lindsay's eyes were riveted on Justin. She watched as his head shot up at the mention of Brian's name. She saw the color drain from his face only to be replaced by a glorious pink flush. She watched Justin's eyes follow Brian as he walked out in the big, fluffy white robe that all the models wore. She followed Brian's eyes around the class until they came to rest on Justin. She saw Justin grip the edge of his easel until his knuckles were white and it looked like he and the easel might both topple over.

"If you will disrobe, Mr. Kinney," the prof said, "and find a comfortable position on the platform. You'll need to stay in that position for almost an hour, so choose a position you can maintain."

Brian nodded. He slowly undid the belt of the robe and let it slide off his shoulders. He kept his eyes riveted on Justin. Justin stared at the floor. Brian dropped the robe beside the platform and there was a collective intake of breath as the class got a good look at what they had to work with today. Justin looked up and Lindsay saw the level of emotion that a naked Brian was drawing from him. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. Justin looked positively sick.

Brian climbed onto the platform and stretched out. He turned onto his side resting his head on his hand which propped it up. He pulled one knee up so that his cock and balls were fully exposed and framed right in front of Justin. He'd fix the little fucker for what he had done to him.

"Comfortable, Mr. Kinney?" the prof asked.

"Absolutely," Brian purred.

Lindsay saw the front of Justin's jeans bulge and she knew he was going to pay greatly for the way he had treated Brian. This would be the longest hour of his life.

The class began sketching, but Lindsay noticed that Justin had yet to put charcoal to paper.

"What's wrong, Justin?" Lindsay asked knowing full well what was wrong with him.

"Um … nothing," Justin lied. He made a tentative stroke with his charcoal.

"It helps if you look at the model, Mr. Taylor," Professor Mendez said coming up behind him.

"Yes…yes, sir," Justin replied making a few more strokes on the paper. The only thing he wanted to stroke was Brian's dick, or more precisely he wanted Brian to stroke his. Trying to draw with the rock in his pants was proving very difficult. He shifted trying to move his swollen dick into a better, more comfortable position. All he succeeded in doing was making it grow even larger as he glanced up to get a full frontal view of Brian in all his glory. He groaned inwardly, at least he thought it was inwardly.

"Did you just groan?" Lindsay said to him.

He knew he was blushing scarlet, and he dropped his hand to cover the tent at the front of his jeans. "I'm not feeling too well."

"You better get to work fast then, because you have to finish this sketch and hand it in at the end of the class," Lindsay reminded him.

"We do?"

"Don't you remember? This is one of Mendez' timed assignments. He explained it last class."

"Shit!"

"Calm down, Justin, and get to work."

"I'll try," he said looking truly forlorn.

Lindsay got back to work on her own sketch. She didn't want Justin to flunk this assignment, but he seemed incapable of drawing Brian. His hand hovered over the paper but he hardly made any marks with the charcoal. Lindsay was beginning to regret that she had cooked up this plan. She had proved to herself that Brian had a very powerful effect on Justin. She wanted them to be together, but she didn't want Justin to flunk this class.

Justin looked up and into the golden eyes of Brian Kinney. He felt his mouth go dry and his hand trembled. Brian looked defiantly at him, but then something changed. Brian smiled slightly and glanced away. When he looked back, Justin could see a change. It was like Brian had forgiven him … or something. The defiance was gone and there was hurt and sympathy and something more in those eyes.

Brian had been glaring at Justin. He wanted the man to know how he had hurt him. Suddenly he really looked at Justin. Justin was pale and his hand was shaking. He looked like someone had punched him in the gut … hard. Brian had to glance away from the pain in Justin's eyes. He didn't hate Justin. He felt all kinds of things for the man, but hate wasn't one of them. Maybe he should give the guy another chance. He looked back and tried to tell Justin that it was all right. He would forgive him if he wanted him to.

Justin's hand began to move swiftly and surely over the paper. His strokes were precise and effective. In a matter of a few minutes Brian Kinney began to come to life on his paper. He poured everything he felt for Brian into the sketch. He wanted Brian to feel that he was sorry, that he regretted hurting him. He still wanted Brian, needed him. His hand moved at lightning speed as the end of the hour began to approach.

"Time's up!" Professor Mendez said. "Put down your charcoal, select the best sketch if you made more than one and hand it in. Thank you very much, Mr. Kinney," he said turning to Brian. "You make an excellent model. Perhaps you'd like to walk around and look at some of the drawings before you leave."

Brian nodded, retrieved his robe and deliberately went to the student farthest away from Justin. He was surprised at the representations of himself as he went from easel to easel. They were all very good, but he could see why some were better than others. Those were the ones that captured some emotion or essence of a moment in time when he was feeling a certain thing or thinking something pleasant or unpleasant. He noted that one or two had caught his defiant look and must have drawn the face first, the way he had been when he first started to pose. Most had drawn him with a more sympathetic look after he had sort of made his peace with Justin. 

He arrived at Lindsay's drawing and was quite surprised at how good she was. He told her so making her blush. Then he moved to Justin's drawing and he felt his breath catch in his throat. Did he really look like that? He was radiant. And peaceful. And powerful. And sexy as hell. He didn't need to look at any more of the drawings.

"Do you like it?" Justin asked.

"It's magnificent," Brian said unable to take his eyes off the drawing.

"I think we need to talk," Justin said. "Will you meet me out front after you get dressed?"

Brian nodded. He went to gather up his clothes and get dressed in the little change room. When he came out the room was empty except for Lindsay. He wondered if Justin was really waiting out front. Lindsay handed him an envelope with his pay. She told him that the professor would be happy to have him come back anytime as a model. She wondered how she could explain why he would only get half the pay he got this time, or maybe she would keep doubling his fee. The professor had said he got some of the very best work he had seen in a long time from this particular model and class. She told Brian she had to run having overheard him agree to meet Justin. She hoped that went well as she slipped out another door.

Brian went to the front door and saw Justin sitting on the steps. He walked slowly out to him.

"Sit for a minute?" Justin asked and Brian sat down beside him. "I'm sorry about what happened the other morning. I just never let tricks stay overnight, and you took me by surprise when you were still there."

"I'm not some trick," Brian stated. He didn't like how this had started out.

"You were to me at the time."

"Well, thanks a fucking lot!" Brian said starting to stand up.

Justin grabbed his hand. "Wait. Let me finish." Brian sat back down. "I never do tricks more than once, but I want you … again. I need you," Justin whispered. It took a lot for him to admit that.

"So, what does that mean? We fuck again and you kick me out again?"

"I … I don't know what it means other than I want you," Justin said knowing that sounded pretty lame, but that was all he could admit to.

"I don't think that's what I want," Brian said sadly. He didn't want to be the trick du jour. He needed and wanted more from Justin. He needed to know that somebody could love and want him, not just want him.

"I can't promise anything more."

"I didn't ask for a promise. I think you still see me as one of your tricks, and until that changes, then we have nothing further to talk about."

Brian stood. This time Justin didn't try to stop him. He would have stopped if Justin could have done something, anything, to show him that he considered Brian more than just a good fuck. Brian hesitated at the bottom of the steps. He looked back up at Justin who sat with his head down refusing to make eye contact.

Brian made his way around the end of the building out of sight of the man he had fallen in love with. He had tried so hard to tell him that in the class, when he had realized that there was more to his feelings for Justin than mere hostility. But apparently Justin didn't return those feelings. It was all about sex, and sex only led to trouble, bad trouble. He knew that all too well. Brian leaned against a lamppost and took a few deep breaths. He hurt somewhere deep inside. He had hoped for the last hour that maybe he had found someone. And that drawing of him, the way he always dreamed someone would see him, had made him think that he had found the one. How could he have been so wrong? He wiped his eyes refusing to cry and started for home.

Justin sat on the steps all the life draining out of him as he watched Brian walk away. He wished he could have promised Brian more, but he just couldn't risk doing that. He had hoped Brian would see how he felt about him in the drawing he had done in class. It hadn't been enough and he was incapable of more. Brian was about the best thing he had seen in a long time. He had made love to him the other evening. Brian had not been just another fuck. Why couldn't he have admitted that? Because it would hurt too much when Brian turned against him, and they all did. But he had hoped for a few minutes, for most of the last hour, that this might be different. He wiped at his eyes refusing to cry as he wondered how everything could have gone so wrong.


	6. Resist

Brian tossed and turned in his bed. He could see Justin clearly, smiling at him, wanting him. And he wanted Justin back. Justin was holding him, caressing him, kissing him, sucking him. They were so hot together, but there was another emotion involved too. Brian leaned in and kissed those soft, sweet lips. And then Justin's face was replaced with Gerry's and all hell broke loose. Brian awoke with a start. He was sweating profusely and his heart pounded in his chest.

This was the fourth night in a row that Brian had had some version of this dream. It always started with Justin and ended with Gerry, with what happened to Gerry. Brian got up and went into the bathroom where he splashed water on his face. The dark rings under his eyes were proof of how little sleep he was getting. He was afraid to sleep. The dream would always come.

He went back to his room and sat on the side of the bed. He clasped his hands in front of him. His eyes fell upon the dark letters of the tattoo hidden on the inside of his middle finger. It said "RESIST". He thought for a moment about why he had that tattoo and what it meant. It was part of his history in Ireland, part of what he had come here to escape. 

But now it meant something else. He was going to resist Justin Taylor. He was going to take back control of his mind and his body and his heart. He was going to get away from the temptation that Justin Taylor represented. 

He looked at the clock. It was three in the morning. That would make it eight o'clock in Ireland. He decided what he was going to do. He quietly made his way down the stairs and dialed his home number in Londonderry, along with all the things you do to make a collect call. His aunt and uncle didn't like him charging overseas calls to their number even if he promised to pay them later.

"Da?" Brian said when the call went through.

"Brian? Is that you son? How are you? Is anything wrong?" Brian's father asked.

"Yes, yes, fine and yes," Brian replied in that smartass annoying way of his.

"What's wrong? Has something happened?"

"No, Da. Nothing serious," Brian lied. "I … I just … I want to come home." Brian ran his fingers through his hair frowning and holding his breath till he heard his father's reaction.

"Isn't school going well?"

"School's fine," Brian said rubbing his hand over his face. He just had to get out of here.

"Then you need to stay. You know why."

"I know, but…" Brian didn't know how to explain. His father waited and Brian fumbled for the words to convince him. "I miss Ireland. I miss you and Ma. I've straightened myself out and everything will be fine. I promise."

Mr. Kinney sighed. "I don't know, Brian. Things haven't changed much since you left."

"But … couldn't I go to school in Belfast or even Dublin, somewhere where no one knows me, but closer to home?"

Another long sigh. "I don't know."

"Please, Da. I can't stay here anymore."

"I … I don't know, Brian. You know how things were when you left. I don't think it's a good idea for you to come back yet."

"Please, Da," Brian begged. He could feel tears building. He wanted to be strong but he knew he needed to get away from Justin Taylor just as he had needed to get away from the memory of Gerry.

"Okay, okay, son," his father responded hearing the pain in his child's voice. "You can always come home. You know that. Just give it another week or two and see how it goes. In the meantime I'll look for a cheap ticket back … if you need to use it."

"Thanks, Da," Brian said taking a deep breath and knowing that he would be using that ticket as soon as his father got it. He hung up the phone.

\-----

Brian walked out of the Humanities building the next day. He really enjoyed the philosophy class he was taking. He would miss it when he went back to Ireland. He hoped his father got him a fucking airline ticket soon. He was sick of having that dream.

"Brian, Brian," a voice called.

Brian turned and tried to stifle a groan. "Lindsay, good to see you," he responded with a fake smile. He had been trying to avoid Lindsay for the last few days.

"Where have you been lately?"

"Around."

"Well, I haven't seen you at the coffee place or the bookstore."

He had changed his schedule at the bookstore for that very reason. "I have to run," he said and started away.

"Wait," Lindsay pleaded. "Please, Brian. What's going on?"

"I don't want to fucking talk about anything. Leave me alone, please."

"I can't do that. I care about you. I know something went terribly wrong after the life class. Please tell me what happened."

"I said I don't want to talk about it," Brian said abruptly.

Lindsay watched as he walked away from her. She would have to try something else. Maybe Daphne could talk some sense into these two idiots. They were making each other's life miserable.

\-----

"Brian, Brian," a female voice called to Brian as he walked out of his English class. 

He looked up to see Daphne leaning against the wall apparently waiting for him. He groaned once again. Why couldn't these women leave him alone, stay out of his life? "Daphne," he said giving her the same fake smile he had given Lindsay.

"Would you come have coffee with me?" Daphne asked falling into step with Brian.

"Thank you for the lovely invitation, but I can't," he said with total insincerity dripping from his tongue.

"Please," she cajoled him.

"I'm going to the library," Brian said curtly.

"I need to talk to you."

"I don't think so."

"Brian, don't be rude. This is important."

"I don't think so," he repeated.

"Well, I do. Humor me, will you?"

"Give it a fucking rest, Daphne. I don't want to talk about Justin Taylor."

"There are some things you should know."

"I know all I want to know about that asshole, so leave me alone."

"But … there are extenuating circumstances," Daphne said trying to get Brian to listen.

"No extenuating circumstances are going to change the attitudes that Justin Taylor holds so dear, nor are they going to convince me to think differently of him."

"How can you know that when you don't know what those circumstances are?"

"You mean that Justin has been hurt a couple of times?" Brian demanded. "I don't suppose it ever crossed yours or Lindsay's tiny mind that maybe I've been hurt too? Or that I don't want to be put into a position where I'll get hurt again? It's always all about Justin Taylor and I'm fucking sick of it." Brian had been raising his voice as they walked and people were starting to notice.

"Brian, I'm sorry if it seems like we're taking Justin's side. We want you both to be happy."

"That's not going to happen with that fucking cruel piece of shit named Justin Taylor, so stop harassing me about it."

"Come, sit over here with me. Please! Just for a minute?" Daphne begged. She tugged on his hand dragging him towards a bench that might give them a little privacy.

Reluctantly Brian allowed himself to be pulled along. "Daphne, there's no fucking point."

"I think there is," she said seriously.

"Who died and made you God?"

"I'm not God, but I have eyes. You two want each other."

"I fucking know that! But I'm not willing to be treated like a goddam trick who comes at Justin's beck and call and then is discarded like a used condom."

"What a lovely analogy," she said sarcastically.

Brian snorted. "I want more than Justin is able to give. He may want me but that's not enough, not the way he does things."

"I think it could be more than 'want'," Daphne said softly, making quotation marks with her fingers.

"I don't think so."

"Have you seen Justin lately?"

"No, and I don't want to."

"He's lost, Brian. He doesn't know what to do."

"That's his problem."

"You don't look much better. Those circles under your eyes tell me that you are not sleeping very well."

"It's none of your fucking business."

"Justin is my business. He's been my friend for a long time. And I'd like to think that you're my friend too."

Brian stared into her dark eyes. He knew she meant well. He understood her desire for Justin and him to be together. He wanted that too, but they were too screwed up for anything good to come out of this.

"I can't do this, Daphne. I just can't."

Brian stood abruptly and started walking away. He heard Daphne softly call his name once. He kept walking. She didn't follow him, thank God!

\----- 

"Brian," a voice called to him. Brian stopped. He knew who it was. Justin Taylor was finally condescending to talk to him. "Brian," the voice repeated.

"What the fuck do you want?" Brian asked rounding on his one time fuck.

"I … I want to talk to you."

"We have nothing to say to each other. You made that pretty clear after the life class."

"Maybe things have changed," Justin said hesitantly.

Brian stared into those fucking blue eyes that did such things to his body and his heart. "Changed?" he asked trying not to get his hopes up. They were standing in the middle of the quad with the world passing by.

"Would you come to my room so we can talk in private?" Justin asked looking scared and nervous about people hearing their conversation.

"I don't think that's such a good idea," Brian responded.

"Please," Justin begged.

"Okay," Brian gave in. "But just to talk."

They walked to Justin's building in silence, each wondering where this was going and if they could settle anything. 

Brian knew this was probably a big mistake, but he couldn't help himself. He wanted to hear what Justin had to say. He was still holding out some fucking kind of hope that maybe Justin had real feelings for him. He knew the man had become his obsession. He was what was driving him back to Ireland and whatever fucked up fate awaited him there. He took a deep breath and wondered what the next few minutes would hold for him.

Justin found his breath coming in short gasps. He was next thing to hyperventilating. He felt things for Brian Kinney that he had not allowed himself to feel for months. He was such a fucking idiot when it came to this type of thing. He had screwed up his other relationships. They had all left him. He still didn't know if he could risk taking that chance again. He wasn't sure what he was going to say to Brian, but he knew he had to do something. He couldn't get the man out of his head.

Once the door closed behind them they stared at each other unsure where to go from there.

"You wanted to talk, so talk," Brian stated flatly.

"Daphne and Lindsay told me that I had made you very unhappy. I … I'm sorry."

"Sorry's a crock of shit and you're fucking full of it," Brian retorted. He didn't think Justin was sorry at all. The girls had probably forced him to say that. Besides there were a lot of things he wanted from Justin Taylor, but pity wasn't one of them.

"I've thought a lot about what you said after life class," Justin began, taking a deep breath and straightening his shoulders. This was going to be hard. "I did treat you like a trick, but you were more than that. I … I can't get you out of my mind."

Brian stared into Justin's eyes. He couldn't believe what he had just heard. He swallowed and then licked his lips. "I can't stop thinking about you either," Brian admitted.

"I want you so much," Justin said in a breathy voice.

"Oh Christ!" Brian cried and threw himself against Justin.

Their bodies collided knocking the breath from both of them. Their mouths found each other pressing and sucking and biting. They moaned as their hands grabbed at clothing pulling and tearing it away. They needed skin against skin. Nothing could get in the way. Nothing could stop them.

They toppled onto the bed still kissing and sucking and caressing and grabbing. Justin quickly entered Brian and they both gasped and stopped at the sensation. It was what they had both been longing for ever since the first time. It was what they had been dreaming of every night since that first time. It had been inevitable. They both knew that now.

Justin pounded into Brian pouring out all the frustration and guilt he had been forced to deal with for the last couple of weeks. This man did something to him that no one had ever done before. Brian could break his resolve, not just break it, completely demolish it. He had refused to let this happen with anyone else and he had always been able to push them away even if he wanted them again. This was different. He had known that the night they had spent together and that was part of what frightened him so much.

Brian felt Justin driving into him and he relished every stroke. He had wanted this so much since that first night. He had Justin now, and no Gerry. Maybe he could put that dream, that nightmare, to rest. He bucked back egging Justin on. He wanted to show Justin that he was his match, his equal. He could take it all and beg for more. He wanted to show Justin that he would never hurt him. All he wanted was to give him pleasure and love him.

"God, Brian, I'm close," Justin whispered as he bit at Brian's neck.

"Me too," Brian gasped.

Justin's hand found Brian's cock and began tugging in time with his strokes. In a flash they were both coming, long and hard. They collapsed spent on the bed on top of each other. Finally they rolled apart still sucking in air and overwhelmed by the feelings they created in each other.

Justin turned his head and found those amazing gold flecked eyes staring at him. He blinked and turned away. He could not deal with what he saw there.

Brian winced. Justin was turning away from him again. He could feel it. How could they be so connected one minute and so far apart the next? He knew he had to do something before Justin kicked him out again.

"Justin," he said softly and waited for the man to reply.

"What?" Justin asked keeping the harshness out of his voice. He was scared and overwrought and he needed to think.

"I would never hurt you," Brian whispered.

Justin knew then that the girls had told Brian his history and that made him angry. He didn't want pity or sympathy. "You can't guarantee that," he said harshly. "Nobody can."

"But I would never be like those others. I love you."

"I don't fucking believe in love. There's no such thing. It's just a stupid sham that people play at for awhile until they get tired of each other and move on."

"No," Brian said softly. He wanted to say again that he loved Justin, but he was afraid of the reaction that might produce. He kept his mouth shut.

"You can say no all you want, but that won't make it true," Justin said with ice in his voice. No matter how much he wanted to believe that maybe he and Brian could have something, there was a part of him that refused to believe it, that was too scared to believe it, that couldn't stand another hurt.

"So what the fuck do we do now?" Brian asked sitting up and looking down at Justin.

"Fuck if I know," Justin said cruelly.

Brian felt like he had been sliced open once again. He had intended to talk, only talk, when he had come to Justin's room. Instead he had just repeated the fucking colossal mistake he had made the first time. He pushed himself off the end of the bed. He scrabbled around in the clothes strewn across the room to find his own. His T-shirt had a big tear around the neck. He put it on anyway. His jeans had a button missing. He got those on somehow not bothering to look for his underwear. He found his shoes and didn't bother with the socks.

His hand reached for the doorknob and then he stopped. Neither man had spoken. He turned to look at Justin Taylor. The blue eyes blinked and looked away. He thought he might have seen a touch of sorrow or compassion in the beautiful eyes. But whatever it was that he saw there, it was too little, too late. He turned the knob, pulled the door open and walked out. He refused to look back as he silently shut the door behind him.

He walked down the stairs and out of the building. His eyes stung in the bright light outside. He knew he wanted to cry, but no more. He would never cry again. He had cried for Gerry and then for Justin. What had that got him? More heartache and misery. He was through with all that. He would become a cold, heartless bastard like Justin Taylor. No one would ever hurt him again. He had decided and he could be one stubborn Irishman when he put his mind to something. No one would hurt him again, and he just might relish hurting others. That was the way of the world, at least it was here in North America. That was a lesson he would take back to Ireland with him. And that was where he was going, back to Ireland, back home, back where he belonged.

The tears did not come. He would not let them. He held his head high and walked across the quad. He had a shift at the bookstore and he would do it just like nothing had ever happened. No one would know that his heart had just been broken, shattered.

Suddenly he heard his name being called. He looked over and saw Lindsay and Daphne sitting on the cement bench built around a planter. They smiled at him and waved like everything was right with their world. They probably expected him to go over there and tell them all the details of what had happened with Justin. He was tempted to do that, but he didn't think a screaming and cursing match from the new exchange student would make a very good impression. Besides he didn't have the energy left to do it. It was taking all of his reserves to stop the tears and to keep himself upright.

He looked at the smiling girls, raised his finger in the single digit salute that was universally recognized and kept walking towards the bookstore.

His short and painful time in America was almost over. His father had better have found him a ticket, because one way or another he was going back to Ireland by the end of the week.


	7. Resist

Justin looked up at the small house. He had managed to get the address from Lindsay, although she had been very reluctant to give it to him. He knew what he was doing was crazy and inexplicable and probably wrong. He would undoubtedly regret it later, but he had to do it anyway. He must be completely out of his mind. That was the only possible explanation.

He took a deep breath and started up the walk to the front door. He rang the bell and waited. Finally the door opened. A slightly blowsy looking woman asked him what he wanted. 

"Is Brian Kinney in?" he asked.

"Who wants to know?" she demanded. 

Justin could tell she had been drinking. He could smell it. "I … I'm Justin Taylor. I need to talk to Brian."

"I'll see," she said and shut the door in his face.

Justin waited and waited and waited some more. Just as he was wondering if the woman had forgotten about him or drank herself into a stupor or run off with the postman, the door opened.

This time a middle aged man stood in front of him. "Brian's not home," he said and slammed the door.

Justin raised his finger to touch the bell and then thought better of it. He knew Brian was in there. He knew Brian didn't want to talk to him and he knew why. He slowly lowered himself onto the front step and sat there staring out at the street. He would wait some more.

Brian closed the curtain in his room. He had not seen Justin leave. He had had to convince his aunt and uncle to lie about him being home. He was pretty sure they had made a huge fuck-up of the lie. They made a huge fuck-up of just about everything they did.

He sat down on the bed. He knew Justin was still outside nearby. He could feel his presence. What the fuck was he going to do? His father had wanted him to have a new start in America and he had tried. But instead he had made all the same mistakes … all over again. He had tried to deny what he was but that never seemed to get him anywhere. It only seemed to create more problems. Maybe if he could get back home he could put up a pretense that he could maintain. He could let on that he had found himself in America and that everything was going to be fine. Maybe he would be able to live a normal life and be what people expected him to be. The only problem with that whole idea was that he didn't want that life. What he wanted was right outside the house. If only Justin would admit that they could be more that just fuck-buddies. He shook his head. He knew he was going to have to talk to Justin Taylor once more. 

He stood up trying to gather his resolve. He rubbed the tattoo on his middle finger. He wasn't sure where the urge to resist had gone, but he would try one more time with Justin. Maybe the third time would be the charm, his lucky charm, like the cereal he had seen advertised on TV. He laughed and it sounded slightly hysterical even to himself. He drew a deep breath and stood up straight. This would all be over in a few minutes and he would know one way or the other where his life was going.

Brian ignored the warnings of his aunt as he passed through the living room. He knew Justin was still outside. That was precisely where he was going. He opened the front door and saw the blond head. He felt a constriction in his chest. Maybe this time it would work out right.

"Justin," he said softly.

Justin looked around over his shoulder. The pain in his face was clearly evident. Brian wanted to take him in his arms and kiss the pain away. He steeled himself against doing that.

"I thought you weren't home," Justin said belligerently.

"My aunt's not much of a liar."

"It was your uncle."

"He's even worse, especially when he's drunk. What do you want?"

"I wish I had an answer to that question," Justin admitted sounding defeated.

"Then why the fuck are you here?"

"I had to see you. You've done something to me," Justin said in a voice barely above a whisper.

"And just what is it that I've done?"

"I don't know."

"Let me get this straight," Brian said. "You don't know what you want and you don't know what I've done to you." Justin nodded. "Then what makes you think there's any point in coming here."

"I had to."

Brian frowned. "Had to?"

"I don't know. I really don't know. I felt compelled to come here." Justin's eyes were full of tears that he was trying valiantly to keep from falling.

"Kind of like I felt compelled to come down here and talk to you … even though I didn't want to," Brian whispered.

Justin looked into the golden eyes. "You feel the compulsion too?" he asked. Brian nodded and waited for Justin to say something else. Justin merely stared at him wondering what to do next.

Neither man knew what to say to make things better. Finally Brian said, "I'm going back to Ireland."

Justin kept his face averted not letting Brian read his emotions. He swallowed a couple of times and opened his mouth like he was going to say something. Nothing came out.

Brian shook his head and stood up. "So that's it then." He turned and put his hand on the doorknob feeling another slice of his heart being shaved away. He turned the knob, but had not opened the door when he thought he heard something. "Did you say something?" he asked looking down at Justin who still sat on the steps his hands clasped around his knees.

"I said 'Don't go'," he whispered.

"Don't go where?" Brian asked. "Don't go back into the house? Don't go back to Ireland? Don't go out of my life?" The last question came out in some strangled voice that Brian didn't recognize.

"All of the above," Justin whispered.

"What are you trying to do to me?" Brian gasped. He couldn't stand this anymore.

"I'm so confused, Brian," Justin admitted trying to force air to keep going in and out of his lungs. His chest felt like it was in a vise.

Brian released the doorknob and went back to sit down beside Justin. He had thought he was the screwed up one, but Justin seemed to be even worse off than him. "What are we doing to each other?" Brian asked in a small voice.

"I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I don't know why I'm here. Oh, God help me! I need you," he admitted with a raspy voice full of emotion.

Involuntarily Brian found his arm going around Justin's shoulders and he pulled the smaller man against his chest. Justin's head fit perfectly under his chin and he kissed the top of the blond head without thinking about what he was doing. He could feel Justin shaking against him … or maybe that was both of them shaking against each other. They held onto each other drawing strength from the contact, each trying to regain some kind of control.

"What are we going to do?" Justin mumbled against Brian's chest.

"I don't have a clue," Brian said still holding Justin tight. He liked this feeling of being close … without the need for sex. Shit! Why did he have to think that? He could feel his cock stiffen at the very thought.

Brian felt Justin pull away and wipe at his eyes. They looked at each other. Sadness and guilt and need filled both pairs of eyes. They continued to stare into each other's eyes. Words were impossible.

Finally Justin sucked in some air and said, "Please, don't go back to Ireland. We have … unfinished business."

"Do we?" Brian asked arching his eyebrows. He sucked in his bottom lip thinking about Justin's request and how he had said it … like he really meant it, like it really meant something to him.

"I'd say we need to talk some more, but other things seem to happen when we're together," Justin admitted with a little smile.

"Yeah."

"Could we go somewhere away from here and talk? And I really mean talk."

"There's a little park a couple of streets over. Want to go there?" Brian asked thinking that maybe they could get some things sorted out.

Justin nodded and they started walking down the street with Brian a little ahead leading the way. They didn't speak. Each of them was running possible conversations through his head. Neither knew what he should say. Fear grew as they saw the park up ahead. This could all go wrong again.

The park seemed to be empty on the late fall day. They went over to the swings and each took one, swinging back and forth a little bit and casting furtive glances at the other one. Silently they had agreed to keep some space between them so that they could actually have their talk.

"So are we going to talk?" Brian asked.

"I'm no good at relationship crap," Justin blurted out. He watched Brian wince.

"I've never had a relationship, so I don't know whether I'd be any good at it or not," Brian admitted.

Justin was thankful that his statement hadn't caused Brian to get up and leave. He understood that Brian seemed to want some kind of relationship with him. The fact that Brian had never had a relationship and admitted it gave Justin courage to continue. "I take it that the girls told you about what happened with my previous lovers?" Brian nodded. "Well, I was a fucking stupid romantic back then, and I refuse to do that anymore."

"You can be a romantic without getting hurt," Brian said thinking of his parents.

"I doubt it."

"You can. I've known a few," Brian said thoughtfully. "But I also know how badly things can turn out."

"What does that mean?" Justin asked.

"We were talking about you, weren't we?" Brian asked deflecting Justin's question.

Justin wanted to pursue Brian's knowledge of bad experiences in the romance department, but could tell that Brian didn't want to say any more. Not wanting to drive Brian away he said, "I learned my lesson about romance the hard way."

"Tell me what happened," Brian said staring straight ahead, afraid to look at Justin.

Justin continued to swing, gently thinking about what he could say, how much he could reveal without falling apart. "I found this guy in high school. His name was Chad. He was a year ahead of me in school. We were the only gay kids at St. James as far as we knew. We would look at each other and bump into each other and smile knowingly. That went on for a month or two. One day I had stayed late to finish up something in the science lab. When I came out Chad was at his locker. He came over and leaned close to me. I remember thinking I would die because I couldn't breathe with his face so close to mine. The hall was empty and he leaned in and stroked my dick through my uniform. I came right there in the hall. I was so embarrassed and ran for the washroom to clean up. Chad followed me and offered to help. As soon as he touched my dick I was hard again. He kissed me and pulled me into a cubicle. I had my first blowjob that afternoon. I gave my first blowjob right after too."

"How romantic!" Brian said sarcastically.

"I haven't got to the romantic part yet," Justin stated defiantly. "Of course, I fell in love with Chad. He was great looking. I wrote him long letters telling him everything I was feeling and how much I wanted him. We'd meet in the washroom or under the bleachers or in a borrowed car. We'd kiss a lot and jack each other off or give each other a blowjob. It was all secretive and exciting and fun."

"So what happened to dear old Chad?"

"Dear old Chad graduated a few months later. I wrote him a letter saying I loved him and would try to see him as much as possible when he went to college. He wrote me a short sweet Dear John letter saying that he didn't want to see me anymore. He was starting a new life in college and would meet new people. I was still a kid and would be better off with kids my own age."

"That sounds fairly decent," Brian observed.

"Oh sure," Justin grimaced at the memory, "until I found out that dear Chad had shared my letters with one of his friends who proceeded to spread it all over St. James that I was a fag and a loser. I even found one of my love letters posted on a bulletin board. Chad's name had been blacked out, but it was clear that it was written to a male by what I described us doing in the letter, and of course my name was conveniently left at the bottom. My last year at St. James was hell on Earth as a result."

"Didn't Chad try to help you, try to stop it?"

"Chad went off to college and I never heard from him again. I've often wondered if spreading the news about me was some sort of plan of his to make sure I didn't try to follow him or bother him in college."

"That was a fucking shitty thing to do," Brian admitted.

"You don't know the half of it."

"I have some experience with shitty situations," Brian said ruefully.

"Care to elaborate?"

"Finish your story first," Brian requested not at all sure that he could share his experiences with Justin.

"You really want to hear all this crap?"

"I do."

"Okay, but don't say I didn't warn you."

"I'll take my chances." Brian still wanted to understand Justin better.

"Here goes," Justin said letting out a sigh. "The first year I was at Pitt, I met Tad."

Brian snorted. "Chad, Tad,"

"Yeah, quite a coincidence, isn't it?"

"You should stop finding men with one syllable names that end in 'ad'."

"I found you, didn't I?"

They stared into each other's eyes estimating the import of that statement.

Justin cleared his throat. "So, we met on campus and we fell in love almost immediately." The irony in Justin's voice was clearly evident.

"You mean you fell in lust?" Brian asked.

"No, I mean I fell in love and I thought Tad did too."

"But he didn't?"

"It seemed like he had for a couple of months. I was so happy. We spent every minute that we could together. We fucked at every opportunity. We were so good together."

"So what happened to this great romance?"

"I wish I knew," Justin admitted shaking his head. "I knew Tad wasn't the most stable person I had ever met, but he was fun and exciting and the sex was great. He drank quite a bit, but seemed to be handling it."

"Where's the down side of this fucking relationship?" Brian asked abruptly. He was sick of hearing how happy Justin had been and how great Tad was.

"After a couple of months Tad started to be out when I would go to his dorm. He'd say he was at the library or had a big assignment to work on. We still saw each other and fucked, but not as much and never as … enthusiastically," Justin said deciding those were the best words to describe what had happened.

"So he was cheating on you," Brian said with a tinge of sarcasm.

"Big time. But you haven't heard the worst of it."

"Was there a Brad involved?"

"Huh?" Justin said not getting what Brian meant.

"You know Chad, Tad, Brad."

"Oh, no. There was no Brad." A small smile played at the corners of Justin's mouth. Brian did make him smile … sometimes.

"Tell me the rest of it."

"I had one other friend that I made when I came to Pitt," Justin began.

"Only one?" Brian smirked.

"I had lots of friends but only Daphne and Mark were close friends, or so I thought."

"I think I see where this is heading," Brian said shaking his head.

"You got it. Mark and Tad were screwing around behind my back. Tad pretended to be my boyfriend and worse still Mark pretended to be my friend."

"Well I say, fuck 'em!"

"I said that and a lot more. I think ultimately it was Mark's betrayal that hurt most of all. I used to tell him what was happening with Tad. I told him all my hopes and fears and he would listen and tell me not to worry. Then he'd go to his dorm and fuck my so-called boyfriend."

"You sure know how to pick friends … and boyfriends," Brian said sarcastically.

"That's the point. This whole mess coupled with what happened in high school has made me doubt my own senses. People I relied on and thought I could trust all stabbed me in the back. I couldn't trust my own judgment anymore."

"So you decided not to trust anyone."

"Pretty much."

"But you still trust Daphne and, I guess, Lindsay?"

"Yeah, but they're girls. It's men that I have no judgment about."

"And this is why you kicked me out after we fucked?"

Justin sighed. "Partly. But there was more to it than that. I turned into a pretty heartless asshole after all this happened. I refused to let anybody hurt me. The best way to do that was to take my pleasure without regard to anyone else's feelings. I systematically set about doing that. If I felt anything for anyone, I immediately kicked them out and never had any more to do with them."

"And that's what you were doing with me when you kicked me out the next morning."

"I should have kicked you out that night. Nobody makes it to the next morning." Brian's eyebrows went up. What was Justin admitting? He waited. "I don't know why I let you stay. I don't know why I asked you to come to my room once again. I don't know why I'm here with you now."

"Yes, you do."

Justin glanced at Brian hearing that simple statement. He wondered if Brian really understood what was going on between them. He wasn't sure he did.

"I don't want romance and … falling in love," Justin whispered. "I can't do that again."

"Yes, you can," Brian said softly. "With the right person."


	8. Resist

Brian and Justin continued to rock back and forth on the swings in the park. Brian's words hung heavy in the air. "You can have love and romance … with the right person."

"Do you really believe that?" Justin asked finally. Brian nodded. "Come back to my room with me."

"Will you kick me out once we're done?" Brian asked rather sadly. They both knew what would happen there. Brian saw Justin wince at his question.

"I'm scared, Brian. I won't lie about that."

"And you think I'm not?" Brian questioned.

"I know I hurt you when I kicked you out, but I couldn't risk not doing that."

"I haven't actually heard you say that you'll take that risk even now."

Justin sighed. "I don't know." He watched Brian's shoulders stiffen as he sat up straight in the swing seat. His eyes peered into the distance and he seemed to be thinking.

"No," Brian began, "I won't come to your room with you. I want you and it would be all too easy to go there. But you're not ready." Justin opened his mouth to protest, but didn't say anything as he realized Brian was probably right. "I'm not sure I am either."

"What do you mean?" Justin asked looking into the golden eyes.

"I think we both have fears and … issues that we need to get a grip on before we do anything more."

Justin nodded. That was true. "Except that I don't know what your issues are."

"I can't tell you just yet," Brian said softly. "That's one of the things I have to come to terms with." He needed to talk to his father. "We need to go a little slower."

"I did push you, didn't I?" Justin asked.

"Only with the force of one of those fucking monster construction bulldozers." Justin looked chagrined. "But I didn't do anything I didn't want to do," Brian added. 

Justin smiled a little. He was glad of that. "Are you still going back to Ireland?"

"Do you want me to stay here?" 

"Yes," came the whispered reply.

"I have to call my father. He thinks I'm coming back on Friday."

"You'll tell him you're staying?" Justin asked hopefully.

Brian nodded. "He's not going to be happy."

"But I will be," Justin grinned.

"Don't do that," Brian said looking away.

"What?"

"Smile like that. It lights up the sky and makes me fucking weak in the knees."

"And that's a bad thing?"

"Very bad when I'm trying to be strong."

Suddenly Justin pulled Brian from his seat on the swing and they were locked in a crushing embrace. Hands wandered, lips compressed, tongues probed, and the world spun out of control.

"Come with me," Justin whispered when he was able to get a breath, his body still pressed against Brian.

"I can't," Brian said softly holding this man close.

"Yes, you can."

"I can, but I won't," Brian said stepping back. "We can't do this until we settle things."

"How do we do that?"

"I talk to my father and you decide what I really mean to you. And it better be more than a goddam fuck."

"It already is. Can't you tell that?"

"But I want to hear it. And I want you to mean it."

Justin shook his head in wonder. This demanding Irishmen had managed to turn his whole way of life upside down, and the funny thing was that he didn't mind. He knew he was smiling stupidly at Brian.

"What?" Brian asked.

"Just looking at you," Justin continued to grin.

Brian grinned back. God, he wanted to go home with Justin, wanted to be with him, to be fucked by him, to fuck him. He frowned. He needed to get out of there before all of his resolve was shot to hell. He rubbed his middle finger reminding himself to "resist" even though it didn't have the same meaning anymore.

Brian leaned in and gave Justin a soft, sweet kiss and then he took off running back to his aunt and uncle's.

Justin watched him go. He knew he had fallen in love with the tall Irishman. If only he could be sure that he could trust him. He wasn't sure he could do that, didn't know how to do that, at least not yet.

\-----

"So what's the scoop?" Daphne asked as she and Justin sat on a bench on campus. They had bought coffees and sat out in the warm fall day to enjoy them. There wouldn't be many more days like this as winter approached.

"I talked to him."

"And…?"

"He may not go back to Ireland."

"Is that all? He may not go back to Ireland. I didn't even know he was considering going back to Ireland. Did you tell him how you feel?"

"As much as I could."

Daphne groaned. "You didn't tell him you love him, did you?" Justin shook his head. "Oh fuck, Justin! What's the matter with you?"

"Once burned twice shy."

"So?"

"Twice burned – catatonic."

Daphne groaned again. "I know you've been hurt, but this is your chance for a new start."

"Or another disaster," Justin said skeptically.

"Don't think that way. I have a good feeling about you and Brian."

"It's good feelings that always get me into trouble."

"Justin, give it a chance. Give Brian a chance."

Justin shook his head. "I poured out my whole story to him and he told me nothing in return. He said he had to talk to his father instead."

"Did he say he wouldn't tell you about himself?"

"No, but if he's so honest and wants me to trust him, why couldn't he just tell me right out?"

"I don't know. Maybe there are other considerations."

"Maybe there are. But, all I know is the next move is up to him."

\-----

Brian waited for his parents to accept the charges on the phone call. He heard his mother saying she would.

"Ma," Brian said.

"Brian, it's so good to hear your voice. And I'll be able to see you on Saturday," she said her voice full of hope and love.

"Um … Ma … I need to talk to Da about that."

"You are coming home, aren't you?" He could hear the worry in her voice.

"I don't know yet, Ma. Let me talk to Da."

"Oh Brian…" she moaned and he could hear her transferring the phone to her husband.

"Brian, what's going on?"

"Something's happened," he began not knowing how to tell his father.

"What?" his father asked brusquely. Brian knew he wasn't going to like this.

"I'm … I'm pretty sure I'm gay, Da," Brian said trying to keep his voice from quavering.

"But you said you'd straightened yourself out and you were coming home," his dad protested.

"I know, but something happened."

"You said that before. What the fuck has gone wrong."

"I think it's finally gone right," Brian said trying to be positive. "I've met someone."

"As in a man?"

"Yes, Da," Brian admitted quietly.

"But what about straightening out."

Brian sighed. He knew his father only wanted the best for him. His father thought his life would be so much easier if he was straight, and he was probably right about that.

"I tried … really I did, but I wasn't happy. It's not who I am."

"So you've given up trying."

"What's the point? It's not going to work."

"How can you be so sure?"

"I … just know."

"Okay, son, I won't pressure you anymore. Are you coming home Friday night?"

"Can you cash in the ticket and get most of the money back?" Brian asked knowing that would tell his father that he wasn't coming.

"I can try," his father sighed. "Who … who is this man?"

"His name's Justin Taylor … and I think I love him."

"Brian…"

"I know, Da. I'm a big disappointment. I'm sorry."

"Brian, I don't want you to be sorry. You have to live your life in the way that suits you best. I sent you to America to figure out what way that was. I'll live with the results."

"You're not mad at me?"

"Your Ma and I love you, son. Remember that. If this is the way you want things, if you're sure, then we're all right with it."

"Thanks, Da." Brian could feel the silent tears that rolled down his cheeks.

"I'll try to cash in the ticket."

"I hope I won't need one anytime soon. I'm going to try to make it work over here."

"We miss you."

"I miss you too, but I don't think I can come home for awhile."

"I think that would be wise, especially if you are with … Justin."

"Thanks for understanding, Da."

"I'm doing my best."

"I know you are. Talk to you soon."

"Love you, son."

Brian hung up the phone. He gave his face a swipe to get rid of the watery streaks on his cheeks. He sat on the sofa staring at the phone for a minute or two before he could get his legs to work to carry himself up to his room. He had just cut the ties with Ireland. If things didn't work out with Justin he wasn't sure he could ever go back.

\-----

"Justin," Lindsay called to him as he made his way across campus. Justin stopped and waited for Lindsay to catch up.

"You look all freshly scrubbed and happy," Justin observed.

"I just talked to Brian," she gushed. "He's not leaving for Ireland."

"He isn't?" Justin asked. He had not heard from Brian since their talk in the park. He had been expecting, hoping, to hear from him at any moment. He should have had enough time to think about and arrange what he was going to do. Apparently he had, but he hadn't bothered to call. He had told Lindsay instead.

"He said he had talked to his parents and told them he wouldn't be coming home any time soon."

"That's … interesting."

"Interesting? It's great news. His father had already bought the ticket for him to go home and everything was arranged."

"Why did he change his mind?" Justin asked wanting to know if Brian had said anything about him.

"He didn't really say, but I bet it's because of you."

"Me? Did he say that?"

"No, but I think he wants to be with you. It's a feeling I have."

Justin began walking faster. Brian hadn't called him and hadn't told Lindsay anything about their conversation. Obviously Brian did things on his own without consultation, just like Tad.

"Justin, slow down," Lindsay said practically running to keep up with him.

"What for?"

"So we can finish our conversation."

"I have nothing more to say."

"What happened? You were fine a couple of minutes ago."

"What happened?" Justin bellowed. "What happened? I'll tell you what happened. I went to Brian and practically begged him not to go back to Ireland. He said he had to arrange some stuff. He hasn't contacted me since, but he found time to talk to you. He's just like all the rest, playing me."

"Justin," Lindsay said grabbing his arm to keep him from walking away. "I called him and pried the information out of him. He didn't call me."

"That doesn't change the fact that he should have called me. I've been waiting ever since yesterday afternoon … and nothing."

"He may still be making arrangements," Lindsay said trying to excuse Brian.

"Don't defend him, Lindsay. He should have called me, and you know it!"

"He's been busy undoing all the things he had arranged so he could leave," she said in Brian's defense.

"If he's staying because of me, the least he could do is tell me so."

"Don't be angry. I'm sure he'll call you any minute."

"Maybe it would be better if he didn't. I knew I couldn't trust him. I can't trust anyone. I should know better."

Justin stormed off before Lindsay could say anything more. She immediately pulled out her cell phone and dialed the Kinney residence. Brian's aunt answered and called Brian to the phone.

"What is it now, Lindsay?" Brian asked. "I'm still busy."

"I … I may have screwed things up between you and Justin."

"What?"

"I told him that I had talked to you and you weren't going back to Ireland."

"So?"

"Um … Justin seemed to think you should have told him that yourself."

"Fuck!" Brian reacted. He turned his back to his aunt and uncle wishing he could have some privacy.

"I'm sorry, Brian. I thought he would be happy to know that you were staying."

"And wasn't he happy?"

"He was mostly mad that you hadn't called him."

"Well thanks a bunch for making matters worse."

"That wasn't my intention," Lindsay said clearly upset that she had messed things up.

"I know. I know."

"What are you going to do? You should call him."

"I have a better idea."

"What is it?" Lindsay asked grateful that Brian no longer seemed angry.

"Bye, Lindsay," Brian replied and hung up. He wasn't about to share his plan with her. She had already spilled the beans to Justin. He would talk to the man himself.

\-----

An hour later Brian knocked on the door of Justin's dorm. He prayed that Justin was there. No response was forthcoming. He raised his hand to knock again. He thought he heard some movement from behind the door. He rapped gently.

"Justin," he called. There was no response. "Justin, I hear you in there. I need to talk to you."

All was quiet. Brian rapped louder. Still nothing.

"Justin," he called raising his voice. "Open the door. I'm not going away, so you might as well open up."

"Go away, Brian. We have nothing to talk about."

"Yes, we do."

"Brian, just fuck off."

"No. You misunderstood why I didn't call you."

"I don't think so."

"Please, Justin, open the door. We have to straighten this out."

"I trusted you to sort things out and let me know. You couldn't even do that. Why should I trust you now?"

"Open the door and I'll explain," Brian promised.

"Everything?" Justin asked. Brian sensed that Justin was wavering.

"I promise to tell you everything."

"Can I believe you?"

"Yes."

Brian heard the lock turn and slowly the door opened. The look on Justin Taylor's face did not bode well for reconciliation. He looked defiant and angry and hurt.

"Come in," he said tersely.

Brian stepped across the threshold. He heard the door click closed behind him. He hoped he could find the words to explain and make things right with his lover. He turned to face Justin.

"So explain," Justin said, "and this better be good."

Brian took a deep breath. He sat down heavily on the bed and leaned on his knees searching for the right words his face in his hands.

"Some things happened in Ireland. I'll try to tell you all about them as we go along." Brian paused and took a few more breaths. 

Justin thought he could see the tall Irishman trembling. He wanted to take him in his arms and comfort him. To hell with the story, the facts, the circumstances. Justin took a step towards Brian, but Brian raised his hand stopping him in his tracks.

"Don't," he said. "I need to get this out."

Justin shrugged and backed up. "Okay," was all he said.

"When I came to Pitt it was because of the shit that happened back home. My father wanted me to have some time away from all the things that had happened and from what I had brought down on my head." He glanced up at Justin who stared back listening intently. "I was supposed to find myself over here, straighten myself out."

"You seem pretty bent to me," Justin said with irony.

"I am. I'm sure of that now," Brian admitted. "I guess I always have been, but because of what happened in Londonderry I was willing to doubt myself. I told my father that I would try to go straight and I really did try. I even fucked Lindsay."

"What?"

"Yeah, I know. I shouldn't have done it, but I wanted to see if there was any chance for me to go straight. We were both pretty scared and it wasn't very satisfying."

"You fucked one of my friends, a woman, to prove that you were really gay?" Justin asked not believing what he was hearing.

"I guess so."

"That's nuts."

"I know that now, but I had to find out for sure."

"Christ, I could have told you that you were gay from the first second I saw you."

"You could?" 

"Jesus, Brian, my dick stood to attention from the first glance. I could see that you felt the same way. I just thought you were playing coy or unsure of yourself. I didn't realize it was such a big deal."

"Well, it was."

"I'm sorry I was so … ruthless."

Brian snorted. "It wouldn't have mattered. You're right. I wanted you from the moment I saw you, even though I tried to deny it to you … and to myself. I was lost."

"You're not lost, Brian," Justin said softly moving closer. "You're found. This is where you belong."

Brian looked up into those blue eyes. Justin's hand reached for him pulling him up off the bed and into the embrace and kiss that they had both wanted from the moment Brian stepped across the threshold.


	9. Resist

Justin thrust into Brian again and again. He knew he was getting close. He felt the ripples shooting up and down his spine and coursing across his groin. He could tell Brian was close too. He had been trying to tell Brian how important he had become in his life ever since he walked into his dorm room. He hoped he was speaking better with his body than he had with his words.

He leaned down against the back of Brian's neck and took a bite. He heard Brian yelp and then stiffen. He was shooting. His hole clamped down on Justin's already overloaded cock and he shot his load into the condom far, far up Brian's ass. 

"Oh, fuck!" Justin gasped as he collapsed on top of Brian his dick still firmly implanted.

They both drew in much needed air and then lay still letting the little after-jolts course through them.

"You are amazing," Brian whispered as Justin rolled off him. He grabbed a Kleenex and cleaned himself up. Then he flopped onto his back and looked over at Justin.

Justin had disposed of the condom. He sat staring at Brian. "That really shouldn't have happened. But I can't keep my hands off you." He shook his head.

"It felt damn right to me," Brian declared reaching out to run his fingers up and down Justin's arm. He thought he could never touch that soft skin enough. His fingers were drawn to it like metal to a magnet. 

Justin clasped Brian's fingers for a moment and the Irishman smiled up at him. Justin carefully lifted Brian's hand from his arm and laid it across Brian's chest so that it was no longer touching him. "You have some other things to tell me," Justin said trying to get them back on the right track. He still needed to hear Brian's story.

"Where did I get to?" Brian asked. He had lost track of the story once he was in Justin's arms. It hadn't seemed important anymore.

"You were saying that you were lost and I told you that you were right where you belonged."

"Oh, yeah, that was … nice."

Justin smiled. He couldn't stop himself. "I can do nice," Justin grinned.

"I like nice a lot better than ruthless," Brian replied.

"The story?" Justin said raising his eyebrows.

"Okay, okay," Brian sighed. "It's not pretty. I came to Pitt because of what happened in Derry. I think I'm ready to tell you, but it may take a while."

"I wasn't planning on going anywhere," Justin said with a smile. "Besides I might need to fuck you again."

"Or maybe I should fuck you," Brian said staring into Justin's baby blues.

Justin shook his head but didn't say no. "How do we keep getting off topic?"

"Sex is a much more interesting topic," Brian stated reaching out for Justin's hand.

Justin playfully slapped it away. He really didn't want Brian to touch him, or they would be having sex again. He wanted the story first. "Tell me what happened," Justin said firmly.

"Can I fuck you if I do?"

"You don't know me well enough for blackmail … or is that coercion."

"It's called negotiation. I just want to fuck you."

"Brian, get with the program," Justin said.

"You're awfully bossy … and mean."

"I am not."

"Then let me fuck you."

"Later."

"Is that a yes?"

"Maybe."

"I'll settle for that for now," Brian grinned. Then his face grew sober. "I guess I have to start somewhere," he said, "so I'll start with when I joined the IRA."

"You belonged to the IRA?" Justin asked his eyes wide.

Brian nodded. "Yeah, a lot of kids in Northern Ireland join, if you're Catholic."

"I never thought of you as religious."

"I'm not."

"Then what does…?"

"The whole IRA thing began as Catholics fighting against rule by Anglican Britain. Religion is pretty irrelevant to most of the people in the IRA now, at least in my experience. It's all about getting back at the British, reclaiming the homeland." 

"Sounds … idealistic."

Brian snorted. "For kids it's a license to break the law – throw rocks and Molotov cocktails – and get approval for doing it."

"Jeez."

"Pretty weird, huh?"

"Definitely."

"Anyway, I joined when I was sixteen. Gerry joined at the same time."

"I take it that Gerry has a big role in this story?" 

"Kind of."

"Come over here," Justin said. He had decided that he wanted Brian close while he heard this story. Brian scooted over against him and sighed contentedly. Justin ran his hand over Brian's chest. He saw Brian's cock stir and took his hand away. "Maybe you should move away again. I just thought…"

"No, let me stay. I like having contact with you. I'll try to make him behave," Brian said gesturing to his dick.

Justin giggled. "Can you? Mine always has a fucking mind of its own, especially when you're around."

"I know the feeling, but I'll finish my story first."

"Okay," Justin agreed. He could feel his own cock swelling close to where Brian's hip touched him. "Scoot up," Justin ordered. Brian did as instructed. He lay on his back with his head cradled on Justin's chest. Justin leaned against the headboard of his bed. He ran his fingers through Brian's hair eliciting another sigh. "Go ahead," Justin said.

"Gerry and I hit it off immediately. Maybe we were … kindred spirits. I don't know. He didn't live all that far away, but he went to a different school. I'd never seen him before that night, but we liked each other immediately and whenever they needed us to work in pairs we would hook up."

"How lovely for you," Justin observed feeling an unwanted pang of jealousy.

Brian glanced back at Justin's face but didn't know what to say, so he decided to continue. "We worked together for a couple of months and then one day he asked me if I liked movies. We went to see a movie together and then started doing that almost every week. We talked and I began to realize that I … more than liked Gerry. I … I'd had some feelings like that once before, but had denied it and pretended it never happened. You just didn't think or feel like that in the IRA. I don't think there's a more macho, homophobic group anywhere."

"Except maybe the jocks at St. James," Justin said ruefully.

"So you know what I'm talking about."

"Yeah, it's hard to be yourself in that kind of atmosphere."

"Exactly, especially if you aren't sure who you are to begin with."

"You mean you didn't know you were gay?"

"I guess I knew, but I didn't want to admit it even to myself."

"That's hard. Did you have anyone to talk to?"

Brian shook his head. "Eventually I decided to talk to Gerry and see if he felt the same way I did. I thought he did. Every time I tried to bring it up I chickened out. I didn't want to scare him off. And I sure as shit didn't want it all over our IRA group if he wasn't gay. I was so confused."

"So what happened?" Justin asked continuing to sift his fingers through Brian's unruly hair.

"This went on for a long time. Every now and then I would think I should tell Gerry. Sometimes I felt like he wanted me too. But neither one of us made a move. Finally I was about to graduate from high school. I made plans to go to university in Derry. Gerry was graduating too and the night we did, he arrived at my house and wanted to go celebrate. We went out with some other guys and basically got plastered. Some of them were from our IRA group. I … I don't know exactly how we got there, but we ended up at the room we used for the IRA meetings. We were alone and suddenly we were kissing each other. I've never felt anything like that before. I … I wanted him so bad, and I could see by the look on his face that he wanted the same thing."

"Did you do it?" Justin asked.

Brian grimaced. "We…"

"What's wrong? You can tell me," Justin said leaning in to kiss Brian's lips softly.

Brian seemed to draw strength from the kiss. He took a breath and began again. "Gerry was kissing me like I'd never been kissed before. I'd experimented a bit with girls but it never felt right. I never really enjoyed it. You know?"

"I know," Justin said thoughtfully. "I even fucked Daphne once. She wanted me to be her first."

"Really?" Brian asked looking into Justin's eyes. "Did you like it?"

"Are you kidding?"

"It probably felt the way it did for me with Lindsay."

"Yeah, we're gay. Pussy just doesn't cut it."

Brian nodded. It was nice to talk about these things with someone who understood. He'd never had that privilege before. That was one of the things he liked about Justin, how open he was about his sexuality. He'd always had to deny his or cover it up.

"So," Brian continued. "Gerry and I are kissing and I'm so close to coming just from that. I don't know what I was doing other than kissing back and trying to keep my cock from splitting through my pants. It was so fucking hard. Suddenly I remember Gerry stopped kissing me and I was whimpering and moaning. My cock had suddenly somehow got free and then I felt Gerry's mouth cover it and I thought I would die. I remember crying out. And then…"

Brian started to shake. Justin held him close rubbing his hands across Brian's chest trying to soothe him and calm him. He kept whispering for Brian to relax and that he was safe and that nothing could hurt him here. All he wanted to do was protect Brian and make everything all right. He didn't know the end of the story yet, but it must be awful if Brian's reaction was any indication.

"I … I'm all right now," Brian whispered, the trembling having finally subsided.

Justin raised Brian's hand that he had linked his fingers through. He kissed the knuckles and wrapped his arms around Brian's chest. He noticed the dark tattoo on Brian's middle finger. He would have to ask him about that later. Right now they needed to get to the end of this story.

"What happened?" Justin asked gently.

"Somehow the room was suddenly full of several other young IRA warriors with their fucking girlfriends. A couple of them had been with us earlier celebrating. They had come there to fuck. Gerry and I didn't realize that the room got used by them just the way we were making use of it that night."

"Shit!" Justin reacted.

"I was so far gone at first that it didn't really register what was happening. They had caught us with Gerry's mouth around my dick. I heard somebody yell, 'Cocksuckers!' and then Gerry was pulled away from me. They pounced on him kicking and beating the crap out of him. I watched for a minute before I could get enough sense to react. I yelled at them to stop and tried to grab the nearest one to pull him away. Then they started pounding on me. Somebody hit me in the side of the head and I was out like a light. I don't really know what they did after that, but Gerry … got the brunt of it."

"But you're all right now," Justin said softly.

He could feel Brian move his head side to side in denial as it rested against his chest. "I don't know if I am. I still have nightmares about that night."

"What happened to Gerry?" He saw Brian wince.

"I … woke up in the hospital. I had bruised ribs and a concussion but nothing too drastic. I guess they stopped beating me when I passed out. Gerry … Gerry wasn't so lucky."

"Was he hurt … bad?" Justin watched a single tear run down Brian's cheek.

"He's dead," Brian said simply.

"Dead?"

"He was beaten to a pulp and had his head kicked in. I never saw him, but my father told me later. There was brain damage. He never regained consciousness and there was no brain activity, so they just shut off the machines and he died. It was all my fault," Brian whispered.

"How do you figure that?" Justin asked holding Brian tighter.

"I should have been able to stop them. I shouldn't have been gay. I should have died instead of him … or at least with him."

"That's crazy, Brian. It wasn't your fault. It was the fault of those homophobic bastards. They were planning to do the same thing with their girlfriends that you and Gerry were doing," Justin said in Brian's defense.

"They don't see it that way. They were going to fuck girls. They were normal. We were an … abomination; I think is the word that best describes what they thought of us."

"They're the sick fucks. Christ, they killed someone."

"Yeah," Brian breathed.

"Did they put them away for a long time?"

Justin felt Brian tremble. Brian moved his head from side to side indicating no.

"What happened?" Justin asked. He had been saying that a lot since Brian got there.

Brian sucked his lips in and stared straight ahead. He seemed to be trying to find the right words or the right explanation. Justin felt him take in a deep breath. "They … they came to see me in the hospital," Brian began.

"What? The guys who beat you up?" Justin asked in disbelief.

"One of the ones who beat us up and the leader of our IRA cell."

"The leader? You're fucking kidding, aren't you?"

"No," Brian whispered, "I wish I was. I wish I had been stronger."

"What did they say to you?"

"They waited till I was alone and then they came in. They asked if I was going to recover. I'm sure they could see how scared I was at that point. And … and Gerry hadn't even died yet. They wanted to get to me before I could tell the police what happened."

"What did you do?"

"I … I was a … a coward," Brian stuttered. "I did what they told me."

"You lied about what happened?"

Brian nodded. "I didn't want to, but they said I'd never leave the hospital alive if I ratted on them. They said it was my duty to the IRA to protect my brothers. When I asked what about Gerry, that he was a brother too, they told me I better forget about that cocksucker before it was too late."

"So you forgot about Gerry?" Justin asked wondering how Brian had ever come to terms with that.

"I fucking did not!" Brian exclaimed. "I remember him every waking moment of every waking hour, and then I remember in nightmares when I'm asleep. You know…" Brian started and then stayed silent.

"I know what?"

Brian sighed. "After you started stalking me I would have dreams where you were unzipping my jeans, going to go down on me, and then your face would turn into Gerry's and I'd wake up in a cold sweat."

"Was that why you were so afraid when I unzipped you?"

Brian nodded. "I kept remembering that Gerry had his mouth on my dick when they caught us, and that cost him his life."

"You're in America now," Justin whispered. "Those guys are far away. They can't hurt you here."

"You don't know what it was like. You don't know what they said to me," Brian whispered.

"Tell me what they said."

"They said that Gerry was a fucking fag, that I was his victim, that I should have known better, but that they wouldn't hold it against me if I didn't squeal on the people who had beat us up. All I had to do was pretend that I wasn't a fag, that Gerry had been beaten up by a group of Orangemen and then I could live."

"Jesus Christ, Brian! Are those guys insane?"

"I guess they're pretty smart because they're still in Ireland and still walking the streets. I'm the one who had to leave … who had to run away," Brian choked out. He was fighting the tears and losing.

"So you went along with everything they said?"

Brian nodded and choked out a yes.

"What did your parents say?"

"At first I refused to talk about it. They thought it was because of Gerry's death. They didn't know how afraid I was. My father even encouraged me to go back to the IRA meetings. He thought I would get support from them and it would help me." Brian let out a strangled laugh, sounding more tormented than funny.

"Did you finally tell your parents?"

"One night when Da was trying to get me to go out, go to a meeting, I finally broke down and told him."

"How did he react?"

"He was shocked. I wasn't sure if he was more shocked that I was gay or that I had lied about Gerry's death. After he recovered from the shock, he asked me what I wanted to do. That really floored me. Somehow I guess I expected him to solve the whole thing for me."

"But nobody could solve something like that."

"No. There was no solution. Finally Da said that maybe the best thing would be for me to go far away and start over. I didn't want to leave my family. Da said he couldn't see any other way, and that I might be best not to come back for a long time. I hated the thoughts of that, but we worked out the plan to send me to Pitt and for me to board at my aunt and uncle's."

"So that's how you came to be here with me," Justin said raising Brian's hand and kissing his fingers again. His own fingers were still entwined there. He didn't want to let go. He wondered what the tattoo was. It looked like letters but he couldn't make out what it said.

"I wanted to know if I could come home for Christmas. Da said I better not. He thought I should get myself sorted out while I was away. He didn't want anything to happen to me in Derry. I told him that maybe I wasn't gay, that maybe it had all been a mistake, that maybe I could start over while I was gone. If I could be straight, I could go home and nobody would bother me."

"What did your dad say to that?"

"I knew that deep down he wanted me to be straight. What parent doesn't, especially at first, and I had just told him that I was gay. He said he thought that was a good idea, that I should explore all my options. But he also said that he loved me no matter what."

"That's great, Brian! Not all parents would say that."

"I know, but I also know that he hoped I could be straight. It hurt. And now that I've told him I can't do that, I'm not sure that I can ever go home."

"Your parents won't let you?" Justin asked raising his eyebrows.

"They'll let me, but Da's worried since I told him about you."

"You told him about me?"

"Yes. Shouldn't I have?"

"Sure, I guess. I don't know. I'm just surprised that you did."

"I don't want to be ashamed anymore. I don't want to pretend. I want to be with you. I want to be happy."

Justin cringed a bit. That sounded like major commitment. He wasn't sure he was ready for that. He wasn't sure of anything.

"Aren't you going to say something?" Brian asked.

"I'm not sure what I can say."

"You could say that I make you happy too and that you want to be with me," Brian said hopefully.

"Yeah, I guess I could," Justin admitted frowning.

"You could put a bit of enthusiasm into it."

"I could try."

"Shit, Justin, have I just made another colossal mistake?"

The only sound in the room was silence.


	10. Resist

Brian waited. He realized he was holding his breath waiting for Justin to acknowledge that he meant something to him. The silence was deafening, or maybe it was just the pounding of the blood in his ears. Whatever it was he knew he was going to explode if Justin didn't say something soon.

Justin felt the tightness around his chest. He hoped he wasn't having a panic attack. He had never dreamed that Brian would tell his father about him. It seemed like such a big step. It was almost like being taken to meet the in-laws for that first dinner together. He could feel that he was starting to sweat. He wasn't ready for anything like that. He had managed to let Brian in a little bit, but the man seemed to have taken a mile for every inch Justin had granted him.

"Justin," Brian finally said. He couldn't stand the silence any longer. "Did I do something wrong?"

"No," Justin said slowly. "No, you didn't. It's just that we seem to be moving a little fast. I've told you how difficult it is for me to get involved again."

"But I thought … since you came after me … and you asked me not to go back to Ireland … and you fucked me again … that you wanted to … to be with me. Was I wrong?" Brian asked looking up into Justin's face, pain clearly written all over his own.

Justin leaned down and kissed those rosy lips. "God, I can't resist you," Justin whispered.

"Then don't try. I promise I won't hurt you."

"You can't make promises like that, because you don't know the future. I … I don't want promises. I had those before … and they were bullshit."

"Mine aren't bullshit. They're true."

Justin sighed. Christ, Brian was so young and so naïf compared to him. It made him feel like he was forty while Brian was a teenager experiencing his first romance – all wide eyed and gullible. How are you supposed to deal with that?

"Can I fuck you now?" Brian asked batting his eyes.

"Don't you ever think of anything but sex?" Justin asked with a grin.

"What else is there? It's the best," Brian replied with a lascivious grin. He stretched luxuriously. "Besides, it's all your fault anyway."

"What's my fault?" Justin asked with a bemused expression.

"I was trying to be straight until you convinced me otherwise."

Justin snorted. "You were about as straight as a fucking corkscrew."

Brian giggled. "And you turned me into a fucking machine. So can I fuck you?"

"The first rule of fucking is don't ask."

"What?"

"Don't ask, because then there's the opportunity for the trick to refuse."

Justin watched Brian stiffen and the smile quickly faded from his face. "That's what you did with me, wasn't it?" Brian asked.

Justin nodded. "Yes, I did."

"So, am I still one of your tricks?"

Justin could hear something that sounded like fear in Brian's voice. He had to stop it. He couldn't stand to hear that. "You … you were never just one of my tricks. I'll admit that's what I thought you'd be … at first." Brian looked away. "But that isn't how it turned out. I let you stay here that first night. I woke up with you in my arms. I never, and I repeat never, do that with tricks."

"Are you sorry you did it with me?"

"No," barely above a whisper.

"But you still kicked me out," Brian said softly.

"You scared the shit out of me – what I was feeling … and thinking. I couldn't cope with it. I had to get rid of you."

"Then why did you come after me?"

"I had to. I told you that before. You make me crazy. You make me do things I swore I would never do." 

As Justin shook his head Brian watched and decided to pounce. He grabbed Justin's hand and pulled him against his body. He rolled his blond god onto his back and covered him with his body. He leaned in and kissed the soft lips as Justin moaned ever so slightly beneath him.

"Brian," Justin whispered.

"I'm going to fuck you," Brian replied staring into the blue eyes.

"Brian," Justin said in weak protest."

"I'm not asking, I'm doing it," Brian stated and he began his assault on Justin's body.

Brian licked and kissed every area of Justin's body. He nipped and sucked until Justin whimpered from sheer need for Brian to do something more. He finally felt Brian's fingers press into his hole and he arched in pain and need and anticipation of more. Brian finger fucked him for a minute or two until Justin began begging in earnest.

"Brian," the blond whispered, "oh God, Brian! More, please, more. Now."

Brian grinned and gently turned Justin onto his back. He took note of the engorged cock with a bead of precum. He ran his fingers over the head and down the sides smearing the hard rod and jacking Justin off. Justin groaned and started to pant.

Brian halted his ministrations long enough to don a condom and lube. He hiked Justin's legs up onto his shoulders and positioned his cock.

"Ready?" he asked as he stared into Justin's eyes. The man nodded. Brian smiled. He knew at that moment that Justin wanted him as much as he wanted Justin. He thought that this might be the moment at which his life changed forever.

He leaned forward breaching the first ring of muscle. Justin's face screwed up at the pain of Brian's size. Brian waited until he saw Justin's face relax. He leaned in harder seeking Justin's lips as he drove in farther. He stifled Justin's protest with his lips. The kiss left them both breathless as Brian finished driving all the way in. They stayed still waiting to adjust to each other and to remember to breathe.

Justin knew he would never be able to let Brian go. If this man broke his heart like the others had, it would destroy him. He knew this was it.

Brian gasped at the sensation of being inside his lover, and he had decided that Justin was his lover. He would never hurt Justin, at least not intentionally, and he would never let him go. He had never experienced these things with anyone else and somehow he didn't think he would ever want to experience them with anyone else. This was the way it was meant to be for him, and he hoped it was the same for Justin.

Brian withdrew and thrust back in. He could feel the walls of Justin's hot, tight channel clench around his dick and he thought he might pass out. He couldn't believe how incredible this felt. All the time he had spent denying his sexuality had been such a waste. This was what he wanted and needed. Justin was what he wanted and needed.

He began thrusting more quickly knowing that the sensations were starting to overwhelm him. Fighting the urge to come, he wanted this to last forever, but as with all good things they always ended too quickly.

Justin moaned beneath him and thrust up into each stroke. He was usually the top with all his tricks, but Brian had made it clear that he was no mere trick. Justin had to admit that Brian was performing masterfully. This had to be his first time topping, and Justin certainly had no complaints. His dick throbbed and his balls had already drawn up. He was getting oh so close, and Brian hadn't even touched his cock. He moaned Brian's name and the man looked down at him with those incredible eyes. He came with a force he hadn't experienced in a long time. He clamped down on Brian's dick, felt the man shudder and then shoot his load into the condom. Brian gave a final gasp and collapsed on top of him.

Brian waited for the sparks of light behind his eyelids and the sparks of electricity that coursed through his body to subside. He knew he was probably crushing Justin beneath him, but he didn't have the strength or the wherewithal to move.

Finally the planets began to return to their preordained orbit. Brian groaned as he pushed his body up and off Justin. He rolled onto his back and looked over at the man who had just given him the ultimate pleasure.

"That was … awesome," he breathed.

"I'll second that," Justin said softly giving him a little grin.

"Justin, don't doubt me," Brian pleaded. "I love you."

Brian saw Justin wince and waited for him to respond. Justin tried to find words to say, but he didn't want to tell Brian that he doubted him. He wanted Brian to love him and he wanted to love him back. He was hopeless.

"Scoot up here," Justin said sitting up against the headboard and sticking a pillow behind him. He opened his legs and Brian shifted up so he was leaning against Justin's chest. He could feel Justin's spent cock trapped at the small of his back. The first stirrings were already beginning at the contact. He smiled knowingly as he felt Justin's arms come around him. This was exactly where he wanted to be.

He raised his hand and ran his palm along Justin's arm where it held him so securely. As long as they held onto each other anything was possible, everything was possible. They didn't have to be afraid.

Justin moved his hand and wove his fingers into Brian's. He raised the hand to his lips and kissed it softly. God, he loved this man. He knew he was going to admit it, but he couldn't stop himself. Then he would have to suffer the consequences of those words. He knew Brian was worth the risk. He heard Brian sigh contentedly. He kissed the top of Brian's head and looked down where their fingers were still entwined. 

He lifted his fingers from Brian's. "Give me your hand," he asked.

Brian looked up at Justin over his shoulder. The question was clear in his eyes, but he raised his hand so Justin could take it. He held his breath wondering what Justin was going to do.

"R-e-s-i-s-t," Justin spelled out. Brian knew then that he was reading his tattoo. "What does that mean?"

"It means to strive against, to refuse to give in."

Justin smacked him playfully. "Well, duh! I know what the word means. What does it mean to you? Why is it on your finger?"

"Until a little while ago it meant to refuse to give in to you."

"Asshole," Justin said. "You didn't just get this for me."

"Are you sure?" Brian said with an evil grin.

"Brian," Justin said, "tell me the truth."

"Gerry and I had matching tattoos," Brian said softly deciding to tell Justin the truth.

"Oh," Justin said not sure how he felt about that.

"I … we … Gerry and I, we decided to get them after we first joined the IRA. They are a resistance group, you know."

"I did know that," Justin said with a smirk.

"Along the way the tattoos have meant other things too."

"Such as?"

"Such as resisting urges," Brian replied thoughtfully.

"Are you referring to me again?" Justin chuckled.

"I did think about the tattoo in regards to you, but you're more than an urge. You're an obsession, a need, a compulsion…"

Justin raised Brian's chin as he leaned down to kiss the rosy lips and stop the litany of things he was. The kiss went on and on and Brian could feel the pressure of a stiffening cock against his back. "You can shut me up with a kiss like that anytime," Brian breathed when Justin finally relaxed the kiss.

"What else did the tattoo mean?" Justin asked not quite finished with finding out all about his lover.

"For a while it meant that I should resist the feelings that told me I was gay. I resisted Gerry for a long time … and he resisted me." Brian sighed and frowned. "I don't like thinking about Gerry," he said softly.

"I can understand that," Justin replied kissing the top of the auburn head.

"But I … I don't want to resist anymore. I just want you," Brian confessed.

"You don't have to resist," Justin said deciding to be honest, consequences be damned. "You've got me. I want you; I want to be with you."

"All the time?" Brian asked wanting more reassurance. Justin had yet to say he loved him.

"God, you're bossy. I'm still trying to deal with you being here today and you want a pledge for the future."

"I want all of you. I want everything."

"I'm beginning to understand that," Justin said with a rueful chuckle.

"So what are you prepared to do about that?" Brian asked.

Justin looked thoughtfully at Brian. He wasn't sure he could do anything. Brian had him. He could no longer deny that. "I guess I could sic Daphne and Lindsay on you. They could tell you to back off or they'll torment you to death."

"Jesus, you wouldn't be that cruel to your sweet new lover, now would you?" Brian asked smiling innocently up at Justin and batting his eyelids.

"Don't push me too far. They're my hidden weapon," Justin said.

"I'm not pushing you too far or too fast, am I?" Brian asked concerned.

"A … little," Justin said softly.

"I'm sorry," Brian said. "I didn't mean to do that. It's just that I love you and I want to be with you." He could feel Justin's dick poking into his back, growing even harder at Brian's words. Brian couldn't stop himself from smiling.

"I want to be with you too," Justin admitted. There was still no 'I love you' declaration.

Brian decided he would take that for now. "There's something very stiff and demanding digging into my back," he said with his best innocent look.

"You don't say," Justin grinned.

"Are you going to do anything about it?"

"Maybe."

"Maybe? You fucking better!"

"Christ, you are bossy. What have I got myself into?"

"Shut up and fuck me," Brian said turning to face Justin and get a much needed kiss.

The kiss soon turned to caresses and bites and squeezes. This time it was slow and luxurious. They wanted it to go on forever as they continued to explore each other's body. They had so much to learn about the special spots and about unstated desires and about all the intimacies that would ultimately bind them together. The explosion of their lovemaking left them sated and exhausted. They curled up against each other and fell asleep still entwined in several places.

\-----

When Brian awoke he could feel Justin rubbing his finger where the tattoo was inscribed. He blinked looking carefully at Justin and trying to figure out what that meant.

"What are you doing?" he finally asked.

"Exploring," Justin said.

"Where else have you been exploring?" Brian asked amused.

"I've checked between all your other fingers … and toes." Justin grinned at him.

"And what did you find?"

"You're very clean."

Brian snorted in amusement. "I'm glad you think so."

"I do, but I didn't find any more tattoos."

"Did you expect to?"

"I don't know," Justin said thoughtfully. "If you have 'resist' between your fingers, I thought you might have 'back off' between your toes or 'not tonight I have a headache' in the crack of your ass."

Brian laughed out loud and Justin joined him. He liked Justin as well as loving him. He hoped Justin liked him to. "You're funny."

"No shit!"

"I … I like you." Brian decided to just say it.

"I like you too."

"Did you see the tattoo on my cock?" Brian asked.

"What? You can't have a tattoo on your cock!" Justin objected.

"Then you didn't see it," Brian said. 

Justin took Brian's cock in his hand and began looking on every side and all around the head. His mouth was only inches from Brian's dick and his warm breath made the cock thicken and grow. 

"I don't see any tattoo," Justin said his hand slowly running up and down Brian's shaft as he looked at this beautiful creature in front of him.

"You must be blind," Brian stated. "It's right near the base."

Justin leaned in looking closely moving the dick back and forth to try to see something tattooed there. "I can't see anything," he said.

"If you took it in your mouth you might be able to get close enough to read it," Brian said keeping a straight face.

"And what would it say if I did?" Justin asked as the light began to dawn.

"Gotcha!"

"I thought so, you shit!" Justin said tickling under Brian's arms.

Brian grabbed him and pulled him down against him. "Shouldn't we make use of what your examinations have produced?" Brian asked glancing down at his firm dick lying between them.

"I'll take care of that for you," Justin said and began the best blowjob Brian had ever had.

His mouth captured Brian's cock and he licked and sucked and nipped until Brian was a writhing mass of need that finally came with such force he thought his insides were being ripped out.

"You know…" Justin said thoughtfully as he sat up with a satisfied look on his face.

"Know what?" Brian gasped trying to open his eyes and look at the man who had just blown him into oblivion.

"I found the tattoo on your cock."

"Oh yeah?" Brian asked knowing there was no tattoo. "What did it say?"

"It didn't say anything."

"So what was it?"

"It was a picture of me with a satisfied expression on my face," Justin declared with a silly grin.

"And I'll always try to keep that expression on your face," Brian said grinning back but meaning every word.

Justin stared into the golden eyes. "I believe you," he said simply. Brian smiled and the room lit up. It was the first smile of true and genuine happiness that Justin had seen on Brian's face since that first night they spent together. "And … I love you too." 

Brian pulled him close trying to keep the tears that filled his eyes in place despite the huge smile on his face. It matched the smile on Justin's.


	11. Resist

Ten years later:

Brian held Justin's hand as they pulled up in front of the small house in Londonderry.

"Is this it?" Justin asked looking out the window of the cab.

"This is it – the place I grew up. Or maybe it's the place I grew. I didn't really grow up until I went to America and met you."

"How does it feel to be back?"

Brian hesitated. He wasn't sure how it felt, what he felt at this moment. It had been such a long time. He was saved from answering that question as the front door of the house was flung open and a middle aged man and woman rushed out.

"You better get out of the cab quick, or they'll be in here with us," Brian laughed as he opened the door on his side and stepped out.

The woman immediately grabbed him in a bone breaking hug and kissed all over Brian's face. Justin could hear Brian moaning, "Ma, Ma, Ma" hardly above a whisper. His arms were tightly wrapped around the woman who had the same eyes as Brian's.

Justin watched in silence as did the man who stood back a bit, waiting his turn. Brian's mother seemed in no hurry to release her son, nor did Brian want to let go by the look of it.

"You must be Justin," Brian's father said moving over next to him.

"Yes, sir," Justin replied holding out his hand. The man took it and shook and then with a laugh and "What the hell!" he pulled Justin into a warm embrace. Justin was slightly taken aback not expecting this kind of welcome, but it was impossible to do anything other than hug back, and he had to admit it felt damn good. He had talked to Jack Kinney many times on the phone over the ten years that he and Brian had been together in one form or another. He knew the man accepted him and his place in Brian's life. Sometimes he even felt that the older Kinney liked him, but he had not expected such a show of affection, especially out in the street where the neighbors could easily see them.

Finally Joan Kinney released her son and they traded places. Justin found himself in another warm embrace, with Mrs. Kinney finally pushing him back to look into his face and eyes.

"You're much more handsome than that picture you sent," she said with a little laugh. "My son found a good one."

Justin smiled, pleased at her approval. "It's nice to finally meet you and your husband."

"Shall we get the luggage and take it inside?" she asked still holding on to Justin's hand. 

The taxi driver must have got sick of waiting. He had been paid as the cab pulled up. Their luggage was sitting on the curb and there was no sign of the cab or driver. Mrs. Kinney or Joan as she told Justin to call her took charge of one suitcase and Justin the other. She refused to allow him to hike both of them. They made their way into the house.

Justin glanced at Brian who was still in a hug with his father. He thought he could see tears on Brian's cheeks and decided it was best to leave the two to finish their reunion. They would come in when they were ready. 

"Da," Brian whispered. "Oh Da, it's good to be home, good to see you."

"I know, son. I've waited a long time for this day."

Brian stepped back a little to look into his father's face. The man looked much the same, a little older, a little more gray in the hair, a few more wrinkles on his face. But it was his father, the same man who had sent him off to a new life in America, who had made it possible for him to find Justin, to find himself.

"I've missed you so much," Brian said.

"Well, you had a life to build. How's the new business going?"

"The ad company is doing well. Justin and I have poured everything into it and it's finally starting to pay off. That's why we felt we could afford to take this trip. We have a great team that works for us. They're holding down the fort while we're gone."

"I'm so proud of you, son," Jack Kinney said sincerely. "Who would have thought that you would own your own advertising agency and be such a success when I sent you off to live with your aunt and uncle?"

"Who'd have thought?" Brian repeated remembering those first few hard weeks in Pittsburgh when he had been so homesick and so lonely and so confused. It seemed like that was an eternity ago.

"Maybe we should go in," Jack said finally noting that the cab was gone and so were his wife and Justin.

"I have something else to tell you," Brian beamed, "but I want Ma to hear it at the same time."

"Let's go then. I love a bit of good news."

They made their way into the house to find Justin and Joan making tea in the kitchen. They all sat down around the table and Joan poured them each a cup.

"This is great, Ma," Brian said. "There are a lot of great things about America, but they don't fucking know how to make a cup of tea. Yours always was the best."

Joan beamed back at him and squeezed his hand that rested on the table.

"Brian has something to tell us," Jack announced suddenly, wanting to hear what news Brian had brought with him.

"You do, dear?" Joan asked. "What?"

Brian dug in his pocket and pulled out his wallet. "I want you to meet your grandson, Gus Marcus-Peterson," Brian stated. He pulled out the picture of baby Gus and handed it to his father.

"He's your son?" Jack asked in wonder. "But how?" he asked looking at Justin.

"It wasn't me, Mr. Kinney, believe me."

"Call me Jack," he ordered. "Then who, and how and why doesn't he have your name?"

"My friend Lindsay and her wife Melanie wanted a baby, so I donated sperm. He's their child, but I plan to be there too and see that he has everything he needs."

"My grandson," Joan said running her fingers over the little picture. "When?"

"He's about three weeks old. I was going to tell you over the phone but I wanted to surprise you and have you see a picture when I told you."

"He's beautiful, Brian," Joan said with a wistful look in her eye.

"I can see his eyes and chin are yours," Jack added.

"We'd like you to come to Pittsburgh for Christmas this year. Our treat, right, Justin." Justin nodded his approval. "That way you can meet him firsthand."

"Oh, I'd love to do that," Joan said softly continuing to rub her fingers over the tiny face in the picture. "But can you afford it? It's not too much, is it?"

"We're doing really well, Joan," Justin said. "We want you to come."

"Then we'll be there," Jack said enthusiastically.

"I better get started on dinner," Joan said standing up and handing the picture back to Brian.

"That's for you," he said. "I have others."

"We'd like to take you out for dinner," Justin said. "Is there a nice restaurant nearby?"

"There are," Joan replied, "but none as good as the food at Chez Kinney. I've been getting ready for this dinner for ten years. We're eating here. Understood?"

"Yes, ma'am," Justin replied with a grin.

"I want to cook for my two best boys and especially for the father of my grandchild."

Justin and Brian smiled up at her. "Thanks, Ma," Brian said softly.

"Why don't you two go up and unpack. I'll get things going for dinner. Justin and I put your bags in your old room."

Brian and Justin made their way up the narrow stairs and into the bedroom. Brian closed the door and spun Justin around into a long, passionate kiss. When he finally released his partner he had a big smile on his face.

"How did you and Ma get along while I was outside with Da?" Brian asked unzipping his suitcase.

"She wouldn't let me carry your suitcase up here," Justin said. "She's strong."

"I know. Just try defying her"

Justin chuckled. "Anyway, I told her that I could sleep on the couch if she objected to us sharing a room."

"And what did she say to that?"

"She told me not to be so daft. I would sleep with my partner, and she wouldn't want it any other way." Brian smiled. "And then she told me we better keep it down because the walls are very thin."

Brian laughed. "My mother never was very subtle."

"They're both great, Brian," Justin said sincerely. "I'm glad we came."

"There's a lot of places I'd like to show you," Brian said.

"We have a week. I want to see them all."

They finished putting everything away and went down to dinner. Brian's mother had done them proud. The meal was simple but delicious. They all helped clean up. Shortly after Brian and Justin retired to their room feeling the effects of jet lag and the time difference.

"Want to fuck?" Brian asked.

"Um … sure," Justin yawned.

"I don't think I can keep my eyes open, let alone get it up," Brian admitted.

"How about in the morning?" Justin asked sliding between the sheets.

"I knew there was a reason I kept you around," Brian mumbled. "You're a smart little fucker."

"You got that right," Justin whispered as he drifted off to sleep curled up next to Brian.

\-----

Brian spent the rest of the week showing Justin places that had been important to him as he grew up. They rented a car and did some sightseeing. Brian and his dad talked a lot and they did take the parents out to dinner one night.

Gradually Justin noticed that Brian did not introduce him to any of his friends from his childhood. He wondered if Brian was ashamed of him or if he didn't want to make waves by flaunting his homosexual boyfriend. He needed to know.

As the end of their stay in Ireland approached Justin snuggled against Brian in their bed. They had just made love and that was always their favorite time to talk. They had become quite good at silent sex, so Justin thought maybe that was the way to begin.

"Will we be this quiet when we fuck once we're back home?" Justin asked.

"We can be as loud as we want when we're in our own loft."

"Are you ashamed of me, Brian?"

"Where the fuck did that come from?"

"You haven't introduced me to even one of your childhood friends."

Brian frowned. "Most of them weren't my friends back then. They didn't know who I was. That's why Gerry was so important to me. He liked me for what I was, not who I was supposed to be."

"I see," Justin replied, although he didn't really see. He knew Brian must have had kids that he hung out with.

"I … I have one more place I want to go tomorrow," Brian said. "Will you come with me?"

"Of course," Justin agreed, although this sounded like another building or another park, not people. "Tomorrow's our last day here, so you better do whatever you want to do before it's too late."

"Good night," Brian said and rolled up against Justin's back. "I love you."

"I love you too," Justin said as he closed his eyes trying to put the troubling thought that Brian didn't want his friends to know about him out of his head.

\-----

Justin awoke to an empty bed. He got up and showered and finally found his way to the kitchen. Brian and his father were sitting at the table deep in discussion. 

"Morning," Justin said. They hadn't seemed to notice him.

"Oh, morning, son," Jack responded. "Cereal's on the counter."

Justin poured a bowl and sat down. He looked at Brian who had become very quiet. "You must have got up early."

"I've been up for a while."

"Do you still want to take me somewhere today?" Brian nodded. "I'll get ready as soon as I finish eating.

An hour later they were walking down the street, destination unknown, at least to Justin. Brian had continued to be very quiet.

"Are you going to tell me where we're going?" Justin asked.

"No, you'll see when we get there."

They walked in silence for a bit longer. They passed some shops and houses and then came upon a cemetery. At the gate to the cemetery Brian clasped Justin's hand and they walked in. Brian walked towards the back of the cemetery not saying anything. Justin wondered what this was all about.

"Here it is," Brian said stopping in front of a headstone. It read "Gerald O'Brien, Beloved Son, 1971-1989."

"Is this your Gerry?" Justin asked. 

Brian nodded. "I felt like I needed to see his grave to finally make it all real."

"Would you like some time alone?" Justin asked.

"No, I want you to hear this," Brian said staring into Justin's eyes. Justin squeezed his hand a little harder offering his support. Brian turned towards the stone. "I came to tell you how sorry I am for what happened," Brian began. "I wish … I wish things could have been different. I wish I had been stronger. I wish I hadn't been so afraid back then. I wish I could have stopped them. It's not fair what happened to you and I'd give anything if I could change it. But I can't do that. Anyway, the bastards who did this to you have paid their price too. Just know that you are not forgotten." Brian released Justin's hand and rubbed the tattoo still on his middle finger. "You don't have to resist anymore, Gerry, and neither do I. The world's a different place in many respects. I wish you were here to see it. Goodbye, Gerry."

Brian turned away and began walking out of the cemetery. Justin caught up to him and slipped his hand into the bigger one.

"Are you all right?" Justin asked.

"Yeah, I needed to do that," Brian replied. Justin squeezed his hand. "Besides, you wanted me to introduce you to my friends. Well, that was him."

"Oh, Brian," Justin said hurting for the big Irishman who must have had a tough time before he came to the U.S.

"It's okay," Brian said. "Da told me some interesting information this morning. You know the guys who beat up Gerry and me? They're all dead."

"Dead?" Justin said not believing it.

"Yeah, Billy and the cell leader who came to the hospital were killed in a car bombing that went wrong a couple of years ago. I only recognized a couple of the other guys. One was killed in a car accident and the other one died in surgery for a ruptured appendix."

"No shit! So they're all dead."

"Yeah."

"And you're alive."

"And happy."

"And happy," Justin repeated with a little smile.

"I thought they were the lucky ones because they got to stay here and keep their lives. I realize now I was the lucky one. I escaped all the violence here … and I found you."

"That's about the sweetest thing you ever said to me," Justin admitted.

"I'm ready to go home. I like the life we have in Pittsburgh."

Justin held onto Brian's hand tightly as the quietly walked out of the cemetery each looking forward to their life back in America.


End file.
